The 7 year itch

I guess blog posts are bound to decrease when one cancels their internet at home....
But here I am!  Because there's been a lot on my mind lately.
Today is our 7 year anniversary.  And I don't have anything gooshy or lovey dovey to share.  But I have been thinking a lot about being married for 7 years and about our infertility.  It's been hard lately.
A year ago on our anniversary we were celebrating in Mesa and Vegas started another round of fertility treatments as soon as we got home.  It had been a big break in treatments (since seeing the terrible specialist in Portland) and I was excited for what the year would bring.  During that month's treatment cycle we did the water ultrasound and found Phyllis.  Dang you Phyllis.  Surgery was in April and then we started a fertility round the very next month in May.  Which was no dice.  Things got crazy when I switched jobs in June, signed our contract for building our house in July, and then Dustin got a new job in August and started it in September.
It was a wild summer and by the time things calmed down, we felt that it wasn't the right timing for treatments that fall.  So we waited until winter.  And things felt good again.  So we did a monitored "timed intercourse" cycle that started the very end of December and boy was I surprised when I had FOUR follicles ready for ovulation. They asked if I wanted to proceed because there was a much higher chance of multiples and I said "bring it on!" Well, none of them took.  So we did another round end of January and this time asked our family to fast with us.  Because fertility treatments are hard.  And emotional.  And a financial burden.  That round brought one perfectly ready follicle but again, no luck.
Of course in the middle of this cycle, the {crap} hit the fan.  Our house will be ready in April and our down payment will be due.  We did our taxes and turns out when you start making twice as much money as before (with two incomes vs one that we had had for so long while Dustin was in school), you have to change your tax exemptions or you owe (and you owe a lot).  Again, due mid April.  And then Dustin ruptured his Achilles playing basketball.  Thankfully we didn't have to do surgery, saving us over $3000 that would also most likely be due in April, but it was still an added expense.  Proof once again that things come in 3's. 
So with all that was going on, I didn't feel like we could continue treatments at this time.  Which sucks.
I distinctly remember when we were first trying to get pregnant, I had a conversation with a coworker who told me her sister finally adopted after trying to get pregnant for 7 years.  And I thought to myself, "there's NO WAY I would wait that long to adopt!"  Well guess what.  It's been about 7 years.  And guess what.  Adoption isn't even on our radar.  I know people are trying to be nice and friendly when they hear our story and then immediately ask if we are going to adopt, but it drives me crazy.  I have nothing against adoption, but it has NEVER felt right.  And with how hard adoption is, I can't feel good about investing that much emotionally and financially for something that doesn't feel right.  You gotta be in the right mindset and I'm not.  I'm so open about our infertility so I'd be open about our adoption plans too.  So please.  If you're wanting to ask, don't.  And if we are going to adopt, I promise I'll let you know.
I wish I could say that I knew exactly what the plan is, but I don't.  I'm tired of trying and failing.  I'm tired of getting my hopes up on a good cycle only for the news to be bad.  I'm tired of having to defend myself when people ask why we don't have kids or when we're going to start our family.  It's hard guys.  And I don't think I can emotionally handle it anymore.  So I think I'm taking a break.  A break from fertility treatments.  At least for a little while.  A break to work on myself and finding my zen.  To find inner peace and really figure out what we're supposed to do.  I know we're supposed to have a family, I just don't know when or how.  We'll figure it out.  And until then, I will work on me.  Because that's all I can control.  And because I need to be happy and willing to accept whatever the answer is.
So happy 7 years to us.  To all we've gone through and all we will continue to go through in the next 7 years.  It's not always easy but I'm so grateful that at the end of the day, I have my best friend and lover with me. And if it's just us forever, I can probably be ok with that.  Because I really like him.  And he makes me happy.

Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month

I was trying to caption an Instagram post that was turning into a novel, so I figured I should just get it all out in a post.

Most of you know that October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.  I haven't been able to put to words all my thoughts on this so I've stayed quiet, even though I'm not quiet about our infertility journey.  For me, these two have gone hand in hand.  I've had three miscarriages from pregnancies that were achieved through fertility treatments. These were all pregnancies I had hoped and prayed for, only to have them end in the first trimester, never getting my take home baby. 
My heart breaks every time I hear someone's story of their loss.  I am so proud of all the women raising their voices to share their stories the past few weeks.  I know it's not easy, but there is so much love and strength that comes when we share our struggles and losses. 
I think of how different our lives would be if each baby lived.  I am grateful for the experiences we have had over the years of infertility, and know that they have shaped us into who we are today.  We are very blessed. Even though we still have no babies running around in our home calling me mommy, they are each a part of my heart and I am a mother.  I am thankful we can spend this month remembering each angel baby because I know that each woman who has gone through this loss thinks about what could have, would have, should have been.

Life is good

Oh hello there.  I'm back.  It's been a while.  We're still alive.  Life is good.  Really good.

A few months ago I saw a job posting on Facebook for an Accounts Payable job in Midway.  The job description sounded exactly like what I was doing in Portland with much better pay than my current job.  I wasn't looking for a new job, but it seemed like this job was perfect for me.  So I applied.  And I got the job!
I am now working for Millstream Group in Midway and I LOVE my job!!!  I love what I do, the people I work with are great, and the environment is so relaxed.  I've never had a job with such low stress before and it's so so nice.  I'm really really happy with it.  Another upside to the new job is that the company gives employees money in a Health Reimbursement account that I will be able to use for fertility treatments.
Speaking of fertility treatments...
After my surgery in April I did a monitored cycle in May.  I kinda talked about that in my last post.  My mid cycle ultrasound showed one big beautiful egg that was ready to go. Which is great because I had just done one shot of Bravelle instead of two!  We did the HCG trigger shot and then went through the 2 week wait.  Which thankfully went by quickly.  I could tell before we even went in for the blood test that I wasn't pregnant.  Which was a bummer.  But even with with the best of situations, a normal couple only has a 20% chance of conception each cycle.  So we just need to try again.  And again. And again.  Until it works.  Or at least a couple months to really give it a chance.
With the new job, I haven't been back for a fertility cycle since the one in May.  I'm hoping that next month we can get back at it.  Especially since we have a little extra money from my HRA.  I want to try doing treatments and Whole30 at the same time.  I know they are both stressful and I can't usually handle doing two stressful things like that at the same time, but with my job being so awesome and low stress, I think I can do both at the same time and I KNOW it will help with our chances. 
So September 1 I'm hoping to start another round of Whole30 with treatments to follow soon after!

That's the latest for us! 

Hysteroscopy and post surgery

Surgery was kinda forever ago.  Good news- it went well.  I wanted a picture of Phyllis and the doctor said he would be taking pictures throughout the procedure, but I haven't seen them yet.  So sorry, you get no Phyllis pictures.  I know you're super bummed that you don't get to see the inside of my uterus.
I was told that I wasn't allowed to wear any makeup, jewelry, lotions, perfumes, nothing to the surgery.  So I got to wake up and leave au natural. 

We got to the hospital and didn't have to wait long before we were all checked in and back in pre-op sporting the fabulous hospital gown. 

Then a series of nurses came in and out and all asked the same five questions.  I'm not sure if it's because they just don't want to read your chart, or if it's because they want to make sure you're still you and haven't had your secret body double come and sub in for you.
My main nurse was a cute young thing and I think we scared her with putting the IV in by telling her my veins are difficult.  Which they are, and I wanted to give her a fair heads up.  She tried once (and it left a nasty bruise), but she wasn't able to get a good prick so she had a more experienced nurse come in.  She got it in my hand and that meant we were ready for business.  Then came the anesthesiologist to ask the same 5 questions as everyone else.  A few more nurses, and we were off to the operating room!

They put the mask on me to start the anesthesia and the next thing I knew, I was waking up in post op hearing Dr. Foulk talking on the phone telling Dustin that the surgery went well and hearing someone else's conversation about puddings in the storage closet or something... there was definitely pudding talk in the background.
I had some pretty hard uterus cramping when I woke up, but they gave me some heat and a percocet with my Lorna Doone, and that felt pretty nice.  After we were checked out from the hospital we stopped at Winco for some crackers.  And like 4 boxes of brownie mix. Because anesthesia.  We got home and I was ready to crash on the couch.  My cute coworkers picked up some Kneaders soup, bread, and a magazine for my recovery.  I went back to work the next day but by 10 AM I was feeling sooo super tired so I left after a half day to go home and rest.  I think I slept that whole weekend.

 I never had much cramping after initially waking up, so that was good.  I had started my period the day of surgery but I'm thinking they just scooped everything out cuz I didn't really have much bleeding after.  Yay for a free period month.  My biggest side effect was just being really tired.  For like a week.  But really, recovery was really good.  And at least the hospital sent me a get well card before sending me the bills, haha.

Phyllis was located at the top of my uterus and, as expected, was quite large.  With her being at the top of the uterus, I can see why no good embryo would be able to make it.  Even if there was a good embryo, they probably would have tried to implant into uterus, causing a miscarriage.  They also checked for a septum in my surgery but Dr. Foulk said there was none.
I had a base line ultrasound today and things are all looking good.  My lining looks good and my ovaries look great, no cysts! One of the doctors said that my ovarian reserve is really good, that I have lots of good eggs!  Which I laugh at because I have a period every month but don't ovulate, so I would hope that my reserve is good!  My ovaries are hoarders.  I know that ovarian reserve is a real issue for many couples with infertility, but we are fortunate that is not the case.  With Phyllis gone, we just need to get me to ovulate!  And hopefully we will this month!  I started on meds again today and we are upping my Brevelle injection this month to get a better stimulation. 
Hoping and praying for a good fertility cycle this month!

Pre-surgery, introducing Phyllis, and pie heaven

The AF hospital just called to do "pre-registration" for my surgery.  Because knowing my race is super important pre-surgery.  They also asked "how long have you had symptoms".  Um.... 5 years? I told her I didn't know, so she asked when I decided I wanted to get this surgery done.  As soon as my doctor said "WHOA, there's a giant polyp in your uterus!"  But I just said "3 weeks".  Cuz I think that's how long ago we scheduled it.  Only 2 days until surgery!  I really have no idea what to expect for this.  I have never been to the hospital for myself except when I went to the ER for miscarriage #3 (and that was so lame).  This whole surgery thing is new to me.  I'm imagining it to be like a D&C... except I've never had a D&C so if anyone has any thoughts on that....
I'm planning to be back to work on Friday but many people are telling me I won't be up for it.  So I guess we'll see how it goes.  The concept of being put out for surgery is so weird to me.  I keep asking Dustin what it's like.  Apparently you count backwards from 10, don't even make it to 1, and then the next thing you know, you're waking up and it's over.  Do you dream in surgery? Cuz I have some CRAZY dreams.
So when I told my boss I needed a day off for surgery, he said I should name my polyp.  I started thinking of the usual names that would go with a polyp- Paul, Polly, but they were too obvious.  I also couldn't decide if it was a boy or a girl until I was texting the ever-amazing Kenna.

She had the right words I needed to hear to make me laugh and cope with a difficult situation. (Thank you Kenna!)  So I'd like to introduce you to my polyp, Phyllis.

This is what I imagine Phyllis to be like.  The name Phyllis reminds me of Phyllis from The Office, who happens to be playing the voice of  Sadness in the new Pixar movie coming out this summer.  I just look at this character and think of how my polyp is just hanging out in my uterus, all sad like, taking up all the space and making everyone sad.
I am so ready to get rid of Phyllis.  How long has she been in there anyway??

Some days I'm pretty sure I'm the one making that face instead of Phyllis.  Visiting with a friend last week, she made a comment about how impressed she was that I stay so positive through all of this.  They too dealt with fertility issues for a long time before getting pregnant with their beautiful baby girl.  I kinda laughed and thought, "MAN! My posts are full of lies if I always seem so positive!"
Truthfully, I have a lot of anger inside of me.  I never ever ever said a swear word until 5 years ago, and now... well... swears happen.  I constantly am listening to the Spotify station "Deep Focus" to try to stay calm at work.  Of course, some days are good, but there are also bad days too. I've had a million angry prayers in the past 5+ years of infertility.  Sometimes I just don't want to go to church when I know there will be a bunch of pregnant mamas and adorable babies all staring at me wondering why we're childless. (Though my ward knows, I totally shared our infertility struggle over the pulpit when I introduced us to the ward in my talk in January, whatev).
Really, I'm just hanging in here, trying to cope with this the best I can.  What pulls me back to putting on a positive face is faith in the plan of salvation, the plan of happiness.  I've had a lot of friends and family who have left our church and I can understand where they're coming from.  But for me, this trial has kept me going to church.  I need to believe in a purpose for life.  I need to believe that a loving Heavenly Father is watching out for me, that He has a plan for me and ultimate knowledge of what is best for me, even if I have other plans for myself.  If in the end, there's nothing but a pile of dirt waiting for me and there's no afterlife, I'd rather have gone through life believing that there's more.  Believing that this all happens for a reason.  Believing that I can be with my loved ones forever.  If it's not true, then who cares, it doesn't matter.  But I like having purpose.  I like feeling that this life just isn't some crap hole that I'm supposed to suffer through.
And that's why I believe.  That's why I try to stay positive. 

“When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.”

Water Ultrasound

 

 I've been wondering how to do this post.  Remember how I was worried I'd have to share terrible news instead of good news? That's usually what seems to happen for me.  I'm ready to share that happy ending, but this post is not that post.  After reading my patriarchal blessing, I felt that it was important to continue posting about our journey, even (and especially) the bad news.
The water ultrasound last Tuesday showed a giant polyp in my uterus.  Like giant.  So big that even if a good embryo were to make it's way down, it would be kicked off by this bully of a polyp. This will require surgery called a hysteroscopy, which, as of this morning, is scheduled for Thursday April 16th.  It is a same day surgery that will be the American Fork hospital and then we can try an IUI the following cycle in May.  The doctor gave me a pamphlet about it and said, "This is what a polyp looks like, but yours is more this size".

Do you see it- what he penned in? No? Here you go:

Now do you see it?  That giant black line that is the polyp taking over my uterus? I told you I hate my uterus.  I have no idea how long that thing has been in there, but if it's been a while, it could be what has been causing my miscarriages. 

I cried myself to sleep that night.  I was so hopeful that all would go smoothly- that we'd get pregnant with twins this month and be able to be happy with our Christmas babies and life would be perfect.  With not being able to do an IUI until May, my hopes of a baby by 30 are shot.
I know that it's good to get this taken care of and I'm so glad that he found it before we went further and had another miscarriage, but it was still a big loss for me.  I felt like Rachel from the Bible in my prayers that night when she said "Give me children, or else I die!" Wednesday I woke up and did some scripture reading to find comfort, especially the story of Rachel.  "And God remembered Rachel".  I know I need to be patient and that my timeline is not His timeline and that I need to trust in Him.  The hymn above was sung in sacrament meeting the Sunday before the water ultrasound and it gave me comfort in my faith.  I also found comfort reading through my patriarchal blessing that night. I don't share it with many people, but I thought this was important. 
"I bless you in your ability to overcome adversity, to deal well with illness, with any kind of physical disability that you may feel is a problem in your life.  I bless you to be strong and healthy.  I bless you to go forward, understanding, and knowing that any difficulties that come will help you, are for your strength and growth, and will be for your good.  I bless you to help others in their difficulties and challenges, that by your example they may know that all things work together for our good when we are obedient to the commandments, when we put our faith and trust in the Lord, Jesus Christ."  I have been promised that I will be a mother in Zion and I know this will happen when it is the right time.  I just wish it was now.  Hopefully I can help someone else find comfort and encouragement in their journey and struggles.
With any chance of getting pregnant still 2 months out, I decided to get the MMR booster shot (might as well) and took care of that Friday. We stopped eating Whole30 and even Paleo this month because it's a lot of work and my brain can only handle one thing at a time.  I'm going to start Whole30 again the day after Easter and try to stick with it for 2 months until we are able to try for IUI again. 
Hopefully this surgery will be the last missing piece to our struggle and  with combined efforts of the IUI we will be able to make and keep a baby!

I hate my uterus

So we are currently underway for our IUI this month.  I started my period on vacation but made it back in time for the baseline ultrasound.  I started on Femara and we are scheduled for a water ultrasound to check out my uterus next Tuesday.  Then we have the follicle ultrasound next Wednesday to see how we're looking and if there are any developing follicles.  I received meds in the mail today for a shot of Brevelle, HCG, and progesterone suppositories.  This is really happening! They also did some bloodwork at my baseline ultrasound and called back with the results today saying that I am not immune to Rubella so they recommend getting a booster shot or I can sign a waiver saying that I recognize the risks or something like that.  If I got the booster shot, I would have to wait another 4 weeks before trying to get pregnant.  I'm all for vaccinations, but I am all set for the IUI this month and don't want to wait.  They've taken my money, if they wanted me to do this booster shot, they should have tested when I was there last month for my consultation and took some blood!  The way I see it, no normal couple checks for infectious diseases like Rubella before trying to get pregnant, so we're just about the same as everyone else, right?
This period this month has been a super crappy one.  I'm pretty sure every woman hates her period, but I find it seriously unfair to have crappy periods when you don't ovulate and are wanting to get pregnant.  I've had some horrible cramping and have been angry with how angry my uterus is.  Here's to hoping that it's the last period in a while!
I'm really hopeful for this cycle but also very nervous and scared that it's not going to work.  We're putting a lot into this and it's all out of our hands.  We are doing an awful lot of praying and fasting and thank you for your thoughts and prayers too.  In the mean time I'll start sending my uterus happy vibes and try to not worry too much.
I have mixed feelings about sharing everything about our fertility.  In a way, it's good for me to share so I feel like I'm not alone in this, that our family and friends are here to support us.  At the same time, it's hard for me to share because what if things don't work out, and then everyone knows our business.  What if it does work out and I'm not ready to share the results.  Because 3 miscarriages makes you hesitant to announce a pregnancy on the day you find out.  And a negative result will not be what I'll want to come home and blog about to the world.  Because telling everyone the timing of your cycle and the exact moment of conception is is not socially norm.  Because talking about sex and sperm and periods and uteruses and getting knocked up has been somewhat taboo in our culture.  It makes things a little awkward, but I'm hoping that the outcome is more rewarding than keeping it all to myself.  
Sending those happy uterus vibes now... they might need it for the water ultrasound coming up.

Fertility Specialist and a diagnosis

Nicole had her baby the day before we went to the specialist.  Here is Avalee Dawn Cook, newest niece!

After having a horrible experience with our fertility specialist in Portland (super condescending, expensive, and uncaring), I was a bit nervous to go back to a fertility specialist.  I had heard lots of good things about Dr. Foulk at the Utah Fertility Center and he didn't disappoint!
We went over the TONS of labwork and tests we had done before as well as my fertility history, all of which showed that we both checked out on paper.  Dr. Foulk went over the 5 main reasons for miscarriages since that has been a big problem for me.  One of the reasons I could be miscarrying would be due to abnormalities of the uterus.  You'd think that would come up in all the ultrasounds or the HSG that I've done, but I guess not.  Next month we will do a water ultrasound that will test for any possibilities such as a polyp, fibroid, or septum.  If nothing is found, we will move forward with an IUI.  If there is something wrong like a septum, we will need to do surgery first. 
My appointment was on cycle day 8 so we did an ultrasound to see if there were any developing follicles as I have been on clomid and took the rest that I had this cycle.  Dr. Foulk agreed that if there was something going on, we might as well not miss this cycle!  There was a follicle developing on the right ovary and also a bigger one on the left ovary, but it was oddly shaped so he said it probably wasn't a good follicle.  As we looked at the left ovary there were a few other egg looking things, which at my Portland specialist, she said they were other eggs developing, just not as big as the main one.  Dr. Foulk looked at it and said, "oh yes, there are some cysts, which is common with PCOS." And I said "WAIT! You're saying I have PCOS?!"  He probably thought I was crazy and that this was obvious, but I explained to him that every doctor I've been too said that I DIDN'T have PCOS, even when I asked them about it.  He was surprised that the specialist in Portland didn't give me that diagnosis and I told him that she not only said I don't have PCOS, she told me that I ovulate because I have a period every month.  Which I knew wasn't true but when the "specialist" that you're paying tons of money to see tells you you're crazy, you start to think you're crazy, even if I know my body well.  I've been wondering for YEARS if I have PCOS but have always been told no, even though I have many of the symptoms.  It was kind of a relief to hear that yes, I do legitimately have this issue that is causing my infertility instead of it remaining unexplained.  In our consultation before the ultrasound, Dr. Foulk told us that the reason we're not getting pregnant is because I don't ovulate.  So take that Dr. B. in Portland!
They took some blood (only 1 vial, woot!) for some bloodwork to check my estrogen levels and figure out if that follicle would be a good one or not and we could do an IUI this month.  The bloodwork came back indicating that it's not a good egg and probably just a cyst so we'll wait until next month.
Dr. Foulk started me on Metformin to help balance my hormones and insulin resistance caused by the PCOS. I asked previous doctors about taking Metformin and they never wanted to prescribe me with it.  So I was happy that he suggested it himself without me even having to ask.  I'll be calling them back on Day 1 to get set up for an IUI and the water ultrasound.  We'll be using Brevelle (FSH stimulant), an HCG trigger shot, the IUI, and progesterone suppositories.  So we have a real plan!!!
I'm excited to make this happen and I feel good about working with Dr. Foulk. He knows what he's talking about and it makes sense to me with all my suspicions about my infertility.  I'm also happy that we'll do the progesterone to help against miscarrying too.
Fingers crossed that next month will be a success!

Lab work Results

I feel so inadequate writing this post because I really don't fully understand the labwork results.  Anyone who thinks that chiropractors are quacks should meet with Dr. Jared Nielsen.  He is the smartest physician I've ever met and explained things we've been wondering for the past 5 years but no one has either known how to answer or run the correct tests to answer.  We are so lucky that he hired Dustin.  Of course smart people hire other smart people so... of course he would hire Dustin. :)
The results of my bloodwork showed some pretty serious things.  I might be saying them all wrong, but here's what we understand:
1. I have Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism.  We already knew I have hypothyroidism, but Hashimoto's is an autoimmune disorder of the thyroid antibodies (which had never been tested in me before).  The thyroid antibodies attack my thyroid, which is why it doesn't work right. 
2. My liver isn't doing it's job very well.  It's not filtering the toxins or something like that... which it makes me insulin resistant.  Which leads to...
3. I am hypoglycemic.  My body does not process insulin correctly.  I have too much insulin but my body doesn't respond to it and process it to get rid of the sugars.  Instead it just pumps out more insulin and stores the sugar.  So even if I were to live on a teeny tiny calorie diet, I would still gain weight.  It causes me to crave sugar because my body thinks it's low. Because it is low...
4. I am microcytic anemic.  Which means I'm not anemic because I have plenty of red blood cells, but they are very small in size.  Because of this they don't absorb iron or oxygen.  I have poor oxygen and carbon dioxide exchange which causes me to fatigue quickly with exertion. 
5. These things together cause me to be estrogen dominant.  In a normal cycle, there are 4 waves of hormones releases.  It starts with FSH in the beginning which signals the ovaries to start growing a mature egg.  Then estrogen rises before the LH surge which triggers the release of the mature egg.  After this, progesterone takes over to keep the uterus from shedding it's lining.  If the egg is fertilized, it will burrow it's way into the lining, releasing HCG and the corpus luteum will keep pumping out the progesterone until the placenta can take over.  If this doesn't happen, the corpus luteum dies and you get your period.  In my case, instead of having an LH surge, my hypothyroidism also produces an increase in prolactin which inhibits the surge and progesterone, and I don't ovulate.  But somehow I still have a monthly period so really, that's not fair. 
6. My body is in constant stress due to high cortisol levels from my Reverse T3 Serum that is high.  This explains why I get anxiety and overwhelmed at times. 

The good news is that all of these are treatable.  There are some supplements Dr. Nielsen would like me to be on to help treat my liver, which we think might be the main cause of insulin resistance and would help everything else out.  But since I am currently mid cycle on a round of clomid, he would like to wait until after we find out if this cycle is successful or not.
We are currently waiting on a blinking smiley face OPK which indicates  my estrogen rise and we are hoping to get that solid smiley face in the next few days to show that the clomid worked and I am ovulating this cycle.

In the mean time, I have started on some other supplements.
Nattokinase is to help with an antibody that is hanging out in my body from previous pregnancies.  This can cause scar tissue to build on my uterus, preventing a placenta to be able to attach. 
AdrenaCalm is a gentle, soothing cream with herbs and nutrients to support stress response through adrenal management.  It should help with my high cortisol levels and calm me down. 
Chaste Tree/Vitex is to help regulate my cycle and help with ovulation.
Inositol is used for treating conditions associated with PCOS including failure to ovulate, and high triglycerides.
X-Viromin is to increase the performance of white blood cells which will help with my autoimmune disorder.  Also, my blood worked showed I have systemic inflammation and this will help with that.
Glutathione is an antioxidant shot I'll get once a week for 6 weeks to help my liver and systemic inflammation.
Vitamin D, Fish Oil, and Glutathione are things I'll need to take for the rest of my life with Hashimoto's.
And of course, a daily prenatal.

The other big part of this solution is diet.  And guess what is recommended?  No sugar or caffeine, and eating lots of veggies, fruit, and meats.  Basically Whole30.  So at least we are happy with that and have seen the benefits from living a Whole30 life.  We were going to wait until after the holidays to get back onto a hard core Whole30 routine, but i guess this means we'll be starting back on it sooner than later.  I also need to eat breakfast every morning and should not be fasting due to the hypoglycemia.  It causes my body to stress, shake, and get really fatigued.  So, sorry first Sunday of the month... Doctor's orders. 

If the clomid doesn't take this month and we don't get pregnant, we will hold off on doing another round for a few months while we get my liver in check and everything else in check too so that I can be the healthiest me for a successful pregnancy.  Hopefully it doesn't take too long. :)

Back on the Meds

It's now been 5 years of infertility.  It's been 2 whole years since we went to the specialist (that I hated) in Portland.  Almost 2 years since my last miscarriage.  The last thing we did for my infertility was over a year ago when I did an HSG (the dye test) which once again revealed that everything looked just fine.   My infertility is unexplained.  All my tests come back normal.  But still, we just can't get a baby in me. 
Before I left Portland I had a visit with my lady doctor and he asked if we wanted to get started back on Clomid.  I said sure, knowing that I wouldn't start on it until after the move, but we were able to stock up on 6 months worth while on my previous insurance. 

In October I started back on Clomid and while my BBTs looked great and showed a definite pattern of ovulation, no baby for us.  We'll see how this month goes, but so far I'm not crossing my fingers.  I have added OPKs to this cycle too so we're doing all we can to optimize our chances!
The sad thing about getting back on Clomid is that this just means that I should be ovulating much better.  This puts us back in the range of "normal" couples which gives us still only a 20% chance of conception.  We've had luck getting pregnant with Clomid before, but we still have to figure out why they don't stick.  I'm pretty sure that the second I find out I'm pregnant I will call up my old doc here in Utah and ask to be put on progesterone and start on baby Aspirin.  Anything to help it work. 
We are also trying out a few other things to help with the process.  First, we are working on implementing Whole30 ALL the time.  Or at least most of the time.  We feel so much better when we eat clean and the food you eat can really affect your hormones.  With starting a new job, I have done a crappy job of making every meal Whole30.  We usually get one or two compliant meals a day, but definitely not completely clean.  The Whole9 group has recommended NOT doing a Whole30 during the holidays so I think we'll pick it back up hard core at the beginning of the year.  Life was so much easier to exercise and eat healthy when that's all I had to do all day!

I'm also trying out essential oils.  I do not think they can cure my infertility, but I think that they can at least help with my moods while on Clomid.  Clomid makes a lady CrAzY and I have found that these few cycles back on the meds I have been a little less crazy.  I really think that the essential oils have helped with that.  There are a few others I am going to try that help with ovulation and hormones so fingers crossed that I can become one of those essential oil loving people.  For now I'm still figuring out if I like them or not.

I did some blood work last week (ok, a LOT of bloodwork) for Dr. Nielsen, the chiropractor that Dustin works for.  He's done a lot of work with couples to help them achieve pregnancies that last so I am excited to see what he says when we meet with him this week and to get a plan going.  Dr. Nielsen does a lot of natural supplements so we'll see what he recommends. 

Hopefully we can get a baby in me that will STAY in me (for the regular nine months of course) and I can have a little one by the time I hit 30.  I know I shouldn't put a timeline on things, but I feel like I'm getting so old and just want to be able to start my family.  So many of my friends are done having kids and it seems so weird since we haven't even started yet.
Of course, moving to a new ward I get a lot of the "do you have any kids?" questions.  And when I say no it's followed by "and how long have you been married?"  Does it really matter how long we've been married?  Or are they just trying to find something in common with me when kids aren't in the picture?  The last time someone asked I just told them we were infertile.  Then they felt sorry for me.  So I don't know how to best answer the question but I think it's just easier to tell people and get the awkwardness out of the way. 
I feel like it's getting really close to the right timing for us to have a baby, but it's hard to say when it will really happen.  If nothing takes on these 6 months of Clomid, we'll probably go to a specialist in the spring.  We might have to do more IUIs, and maybe even IVF.  I just hate the thought of putting so much money into IVF and then have it miscarry.  With unexplained infertility we really don't know what the problem is so we are just trying out all angles possible.  We've fasted and prayed about adoption and it hasn't felt right.  As always, prays are welcome our way.  Maybe soon we can post that we are expecting a little miracle.

Let it go - I wanna see you be brave

I haven't written in my journal yet tonight, but I have a feeling my entry will go something like this:

Today was a rough day.  Maybe I'm just tired. I know I'm tired. I have so much anger in me.  So much sadness.
I don't know how to express my anger.  I don't know how to get rid of it.  Let it Go was my song for this morning. I need to learn to let things go, to not take them so personally.  It's so hard sometimes.  I don't know the reasoning behind some people's decisions and I will probably never know.  Which means I need to let it go. I can't hold the anger inside.  It's not healthy and I don't like it.
Sara Bareilles got me through this afternoon.  I love her.  I wish I knew when things were going to happen in my life.  If I could pick a super power, I would pick to know the future. I keep thinking about what I want to do with  my life... what I should do when Dustin graduates, gets a kick-a job and we move to said kick-a job, wherever that may be.  And I don't know what I want to do.  I have 5 years experience in Accounting but no Accounting degree to go with it.  I am dang good at what I do but I fear no one will hire me at the level and pay-grade I deserve, based on education.  My Bachelors degree is worthless.  So then what, do I go to school to get an Accounting degree? I don't really want to... I don't want to do Accounting forever.  What do I want to do?  I want to have babies.  I want to be a mom.  That has always been my dream job.
Enter sadness and anger about infertility.  I wish I knew when and how we are going to start our family.   I don't know if I will ever be able to get pregnant and keep the pregnancy.  It hasn't happened yet.  And doctors haven't given me any answers as to why.  I have seen and heard so many pregnancy/birth announcements lately and while I am truly happy for these people for the fact alone that they don't have to go through this hell, I am at the same time devastated for my own current misery of infertility.
I don't want sympathy.  Sometimes you just need to hear "I'm sorry, that sucks" instead of "the sun will come out tomorrow".  I know in the end that we will get through this and see how blessed we have been and how great our lives are from this learning experience.  But in the darkness of it right now it sucks.  And I want out.  I want it to end. I want to plan my life and progress.
So for now I have hard days and I listen to Sara Bareilles and feel a little better. I go home at the end of a long work day and hug my wonderful husband tightly and cry a little.  I go to bed early to wake up and take on another day.  But for now...
"Now I'm just a basket case."

**Update** In case you feel inspired to make my day a little better, commenting with YouTube links of something funny/adorable is sure to do it such as this one. Thank you Vicky for brightening my day. :)

Results

The results are in.  Thank you all for your prayers! We even heard that some people fasted for us! We really appreciate your love and we've felt your prayers.  After my freak out on Tuesday as I was getting ready for work on Wednesday, I really felt calm and that I would be okay with whatever the results would be.  My mom then flew in on Thursday to surprise my cousins and spend some time with us.  It was a busy weekend filled with a baptism, priesthood ordination, shopping, and lots of family fun!!  It was good to stay busy.

Also, I got to steal a baby. 

My aunt's sister's family from Spokane came down for the family filled weekend and they have a foster baby they are taking care of right now.  Little Peytin is 3 months old and so adorable.  And she LOVED me.  When I would hand her off to someone else, her eyes would follow me, wondering where I was going.  Stinking cute.

And then Monday was the test.  Unfortunately, the results came back as negative.  The IUI didn't take this month and we are not pregnant.  And we are both surprisingly fine with the results.  And I'm not saying that because I want you to think everything is hunky dory.  I wouldn't be afraid to write if things were terrible.  I blame all the prayers.  They may not have been answered as we had hoped, but they have provided a lot of peace and comfort.  We are honestly doing great.  Plus, a cold one always helps.

 December just isn't our month for pregnancies.  Two years ago I became pregnant on clomid and miscarried in December.  Last December is when miscarriage #2 was due. And this year we just have no dice.

I have no idea what the plan is now.  We will be taking a few months off to pay off the massive bills from all the testing that was done--- all which came back with normal results by the way.  Now THIS I am furious about (not about normal test results, but the massive bills).  My health insurance is the most worthless thing ever and is costing us terribly.    With all normal results on everything except my thyroid, I'd like to go to a regular doctor and follow up with him... so that it is in my network and can be covered by my insurance.  Seems like I should make sure that is in check before trying again, so I guess that's our plan.  Guess I do know what it is after all.  :)

Thank you again for your love and support.  Maybe next year we will have better luck and better news!

The Waiting Game

I think my life long lesson will always be patience... I guess with all the waiting I've done I still haven't reached a patience zen so here I am, waiting once again for something.  In this case I am waiting for next week's results.

I want this month to work

 So.

Freaking.

Bad.

And I'm afraid that it won't. I'm terrified that it won't work.  I'm freaking out that it won't work.  Or that it won't take or won't last.  And that all our money will be gone because we keep getting ginormous bills that I have no idea how we're going to pay. 

Not that the money is what is important here... it's the BABY.  I want a baby. I've wanted a baby since I was a baby.  And I've had to wait almost 27 years now to get one... if it works this month.  If not, the wait will continue for probably another couple years because we can't afford this again.  My emotions can't afford this again.  I am spent.

 

I hate the waiting game. The 2 weeks until you can pee on a stick.  In my case this month it's a blood test... hooray... i wish they had a frequent rewards card or something that would get the 10th blood test free.  Because I think I'd have at least 3 freebies by now.

*sigh*

And so we wait.  Hopefully the wait will end in a little miracle.   My little miracle.

I need a miracle.

Please keep praying for my miracle. 

IUI Update

Just thought I'd give some updates from my previous post.  I'm trying to blog more actively than letting it go and then never blogging because I have too much to write and don't know where to start.

Our mid cycle ultrasound showed that there are THREE follicles ripening very nicely.  My doctor informed us that that means we have a possibility of having TRIPLETS, but it's less than 1% of a chance.  She made sure we were aware of the possibility and asked if we would like to proceed knowing this information, to which I said YES.  3 follicles to me means that there are 3 chances of having at least 1 successful one.

My doctor also stressed the importance of getting my other blood work done about the recurrent miscarriages so we spent our Friday night doing blood work- 2 vials were done at my doctor visit because on the traumatizing day of 6 vials, the phlebotomist did the wrong size on some of them!  I then had 6 more vials done at the hospital that night for recurrent miscarriage diagnosis-- 8 vials in one evening! I got the results from some of my bloodwork on Monday and they are worried about varicilla.  Apparently I'm not immune to the chicken pox even though I had it as a child!  They said to go ahead with the insemination this month but if I do not get pregnant this month, then I'll need to get the vaccine and wait a month.  I also was low in my Vitamin D, which is not a surprise for living in Portland, but that's easy to fix with a supplement.

We decided to not do the HSG this month.  Between treatments and the DMV, we just don't have the funds this month.  Hopefully it works this first cycle and we won't have to do it at all!

My trigger shot was last night and this morning I got this:

So excited to see a smiley face!  That means the trigger shot worked and my insemination is scheduled for tomorrow!

Sometimes I wonder if I should feel weird about talking about insemination... cuz I don't feel weird.  I think it's because I'm talking about a medical procedure and not a hot steamy night that gets us pregnant.  Either way... in 2 weeks from tomorrow we will know if there is a baby Creer (or Creers) on the way!  I am excited and nervous and hoping and praying that it goes well!  We are basically putting all of our money and faith into this-- all chips are in!  I get scared that it won't work and that this will have been a waste.  I know that whatever the outcome is, it will be for a reason... I'm just hoping the outcome is what I want.  As easy as it is to say "it will be for a reason" right now, it will be VERY depressing.  Fingers have been crossed, prayers have been said, now all we can do is hope for the best!

thank you

I want to thank everyone who read my last post and sent such sweet comments or messages.  I really do appreciate all of you and your words of hope, prayers, and encouragement!!

Talking about infertility has not always been easy for me.  For a long time I was so mad at myself and my body for not working the way it is "suppose" to.  It made me feel like I have a huge flaw that I can't fix on my own.  And asking for help is not my strong point.  I'm very independent and like to do things on my own.  I even wear the pants in my marriage, there's no doubt about that. So going to a doctor for something that was supposed to be so easy was a huge struggle for me.  And for a long time I was very angry at EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.

When we lived in Utah, I didn't tell many people of our struggles.  Only our parents knew about our first pregnancy until I miscarried and then the rest of our families and a few friends were told.  The second pregnancy went a little longer so by 8 weeks after my first doctor appointment, we told more people and then had to tell them that I had miscarried a few weeks later.

I hated telling people. I hated the sympathy.  I felt like people just felt sorry for me.  They probably did.  They probably still do.   But I'm ok.  Things aren't always roses and rainbows, but I have worked through the anger and disappointment and have learned to be happy.  Sometimes I have bad days and I let myself be sad or angry or whatever, because I'm HUMAN and we all feel that way sometimes.  Opposition in all things, right?

When we moved to Portland I guess I figured I had a fresh start.  We weren't trying to have kids right away since we had zero health insurance and as I talked to the sisters in my new ward, I was able to find a lot of support and similar experiences.  There are a TON of women in my ward who have gone through infertility-- I don't feel so alone!  In Utah all you see are millions of women having babies all the time.  In Portland, people think it's crazy to have a baby so young.   And most of the dear sisters in my ward who have younger kids had a battle with infertility.

Finding support through these sisters and others who have gone through infertility really gave me comfort.  That's one of the main reasons I took my blog off from being private.  I don't imagine I'll ever be able to have a blog as amazing as Kenna's (let's face it, I'm just not as amazing as Kenna with all she's gone through and is STILL going through!), but I want to be a means of support to others who are going through hard times.  We all have a lot we can share and learn from each other.

Hopefully all my posts aren't depressing, but I hope that you can feel my sincerity and openness as I post about ALL the things that go on in our good life.  That's right, this is still a good life!  We have trials and opposition that come our way, but we can make it through them! I have no idea how fertility treatments will end for us.  We might never be able to get pregnant!  But we are hoping and praying and exercising faith that things will work out for the best.

And in the mean time, we'll enjoy this crazy adventure as best as we can. :)

So from the bottom of my heart,

THANK YOU.  

I hope you stay tuned.  I know I'm going to have to post about how this month goes now that I've explained opened it all up for discussion.

Fingers crossed it's good news. 

busting out the big guns

This October marked 3 years of trying to conceive for us... that's 36 months my friends.  36 cycles that didn't work out the way we wanted them to.  36 heartbreaks.

Now before you proceed further into this post, know that you will know the intimate details of my cycle whether you want to or not.  My boss and coworker know them as well as some people in the ward, and I'm not afraid to talk about them anymore, so go ahead, get to know me and my Aunt Flo.  We'll be official best friends.

My insurance through my work started in May so we decided to go see a doctor in June and start back on the clomid wagon in July.  I was hopeful that things would go similarly as before, with the exception that we'd end up with a baby in the end and not a miscarriage.  The doctor seemed nice enough and we ran some bloodwork in addition to doing a semen analysis for Dustin.  All things came back normal and being 20 pounds lighter, we were excited to start treatments again.  We put a  pause on "project look good" and moved forward to "project make a baby."  After all, this doc even had us doing day 21 progesterone tests to monitor ovulation... make sure the clomid was doing what it should.  How could we lose?!

And so we got excited.  July came and my BBT charts looked promising... day 21 results came back as low (meaning they said I didn't ovulate) and so we moved ahead to August.  Afterall, in both pregnancies I had from clomid, it was the 2nd round that did the trick.  This time we bumped the dosage up.  August's chart looked good and then day 21 results came in... and were lower than July.  Which means the doc wasn't very happy with me and now they wanted me to maybe do one more month but then send me off to a specialist.

I was starting to feel a bit crazy.  My charts were good, so something must be working, right?  Also, basically everyone I've ever talked to about infertility asked me if I was diagnosed with PCOS-- to which the answer is NO.  This doctor went over the usual symptoms with me: weight gain, increased hair (like on your neck or chin), depression, difficulty losing weight, and of course, infertility.  I sat there like, 'um, yes, those are all me.' and then he looked at me and said, 'meh, you look fine.'  REALLY?! That should have been my first clue to seek help elsewhere. 

But I didn't and so September was going to be the month, we just knew it.  We were on the higher dosage of clomid again and the charts looked good.  Day 21 progesterone results came back and... still low.  I was frustrated.  We had gotten so excited.  I even let myself start buying baby things.  And we were having no luck.  So in October we made an appointment at Oregon Reproductive Medicine to see a specialist while doing one final round of clomid in hopes that we could make a miracle.

The meeting with the specialist was fine.  She was very thorough on how the female cycle works with hormones and all that jazz and talked about things we could do to move forward-- There are more tests to be done and lots of money to be paid, but there is a plan in place that is more aggressive to make "project make a baby" work.  She also made me feel better about my progesterone draws.  She told me I was ovulating, that even if my results were "low", they were still above ovulation range, which means I wasn't crazy after all.  But she still didn't diagnose me with PCOS.  I even asked her about it--she said that because I generally have regular cycles that I probably don't have PCOS... though you CAN possibly be regular and still have it.  Blarg.

Infertility is depressing.  I won't lie.  There are many times that I have broken down and just couldn't take it anymore.  I had Dustin give me a blessing and I felt better, but the heartache that comes each month is always there.  When we were told about the more aggressive treatments we got excited-- "we could be pregnant next month!" was all we could keep thinking.

And then the end of October came when it was time to make a decision-- the proposed plan was to do up to 4 cycles of IUI with additional testing such as a hysterosalpingogram (HSG for short--its a big word for an x-ray dye test for your uterus/tubes to make sure all the lady bits are ok/not blocked), genetic testing, ovarian reserve testing, FSH/Estradiol testing, the works.

For those of you who don't know what IUI is, it is a fertility treatment that uses a catheter to place a number of washed sperm directly into the uterus. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization.  It starts with a Day 1 (can be done days 1-3) ultrasound to get a general baseline.  Then a medication is taken days 3-7 and a Day 12 midcycle ultrasound is done to see how your ovaries are reacting to the medication-whether you're ready to ovulate or not.  Then comes the trigger shot-inducing ovulation.  Give it a day or and you're back in the office having the husband do his business so they can wash the sperm and get all the best ones ready to inseminate you a few hours later.  Wait 12-14 days and BAM, you have a baby.  At least, that's the plan.  In all actuality, we learned that chances of getting pregnant on our own is about 2%.  With IUI, it bumps it up to 20%.  Not super promising, but it's 1000% more of a chance of pregnancy that trying on our own.

 And it costs a lot.  Of course it's not as much as IVF, but it still has a pretty penny on it.  Not to mention that my health insurance covers NOTHING to do with infertility.

 So this decision of what to do for November was hard.  Christmas is coming up and with my brother's wedding in December, we had the unexpected cost of plane tickets to Utah for the holidays.  We also need to register our car in Oregon and get Oregon driver's licenses and that can cost a bit too.  Dustin's student loans this quarter aren't stretching as far as other quarters as well--he is taking an extra class/seminar this quarter to get a special certification for the Graston technique and we got him a chiropractic table since he is in adjusting classes now and needs to get a good feel for adjusting.  Money is tight.  That's how grad school goes, right?  If we waited a few more months, we could always lose more weight too and hope that that helps with fertility... So many factors to consider!

But we really want a baby.  I convinced myself that we would wait until January when we will be getting more student loans, promise of a tax return, and a Christmas bonus from work.  But every time I thought I was convinced, I really wasn't.  I would feel depressed.  And then the thoughts and excitement from our first appointment with the specialist came creeping back into my head--"we could be pregnant next month!"
And so I let that win.  Because I felt happy about it instead of depressed which is good enough for me!

And when my period started this week, we made the call for the baseline ultrasound.  I went in for it this morning and the ultrasound part was fine.  My uterine lining is fine and my ovaries have plenty of eggs in them.

What was TRAUMATIZING was the 6 vials of blood that they wanted for blood work!!!  I was not prepared for that.  My arms are known for being terrors when it comes to giving blood--remember how I was shunned away from the plasma center because my veins were deemed unsuitable?!  And now they wanted 6 vials.  Wow.  So I was poked once and got half a vial.  Then it stopped.  So I was poked again. And again.  And then we called for backup.  Where I was poked again, and then finally on the FIFTH attempt, we found a winner vein to complete the other 5 vials.  Seriously traumatic.  Especially when I had to check out and pay $563 for all the trauma.   (I told you it was a pretty penny)

Fail.

The good news is that I shouldn't have to do those nasty things again.  At least, I don't think so.  They were for fertility testing and now we know the results- my FSH and my Estradiol are both completely normal-meaning my ovarian reserve is just fine and I'm not menopausing anytime soon.  My TSH (thyroid) came back as HIGH (which I had tested before by lame doctor man who said it was normal), so I am starting on a thyroid medication tomorrow.  I'm kinda excited about that just because I've wondered if there was a problem with my thyroid for a while now (hello, I gained HOW many pounds?!), but was told it was normal.  I hope this really helps. Thyroid symptoms can also be similar to PCOS symptoms so maybe it's just a thyroid issue all along?  I dunno, guess we'll see!

I did get a prescription writeup thing to have MORE blood work done at a different clinic (that can take my insurance) for some tests that will check out possibly why I've had 2 miscarriages.  I might give that some time cuz after today's trauma, I'm gonna have to build up all my strength for that. 

I also have a prescription to start Femara which is like Clomid but with less side effects (um, hello, why didn't we pick that before?!).

This Friday I have my HSG and then next Friday will be my midcycle ultrasound.  In 26 days we can know if I'm pregnant or not! 

This is progress people!  The plan is in action and moving forward!  Sure, we'll be broker than broke when it's all said and done, but hopefully we'll end up with a bouncing bundle of joy in 9 months.  Fingers crossed, prayers said, good vibes sent out to the universe.

If things don't work out this cycle, we will take a break until at least January, maybe another month or so to boost up the funds again.  (Thank goodness for HSA money left over from Storesonline!!)

So there you have it-- the big guns have been busted out and we are attacking this fertility head on.  If you so feel the need or desire to pray for us, please do.  If you so feel the need to send us money, I'll give you our address hahaha.  We're hoping for the best and will keep you posted!

Come what MAY and love it

May is already here.  How did it come so fast?!  April 17th marked my 90 days at work, which means that as of May 1st, I am now eligible to have health insurance through work.  It's actually REQUIRED for us to have health insurance at my work, and boy is it expensive!  So expensive that we can't afford for Dustin to have it too.  Seriously guys, it's that expensive.  So we'll just have to keep praying that he won't get injured or have cancer or anything serious like that.  Cuz then we'd be screwed.

But it's time to get real for a minute... or a couple depending on how long this blog post ends up being.  Now that I am health insured, that means we could potentially get back on the baby making bandwagon.  I've kinda avoided this topic for a little while now, but reading all the posts from amazing Kenna's blog for national infertility week got me thinking more about what our next step is, and that I should probably write out my feelings. I don't know if people have been wondering when or if we'd start trying again, and it's been a while since I've posted anything about baby making...  So here goes...

I surprisingly have mixed feelings about trying to get pregnant right now.  When we were trying before and on fertility treatments, it's what I wanted more than anything.  A year ago we were announcing to family and a few friends that we were pregnant.  The last time I went to an OBGYN was for my ultrasound to see how little baby was doing... and little baby was not doing so well.  I miscarried at 11 weeks (baby had only grown to 7 weeks), and since then, we haven't been trying.  We knew that moving to Portland would mean no insurance for a little while until I got a job and made it through my 90 days, and we didn't want to start fertility treatments with no insurance. 

Well, one job, 90 days, and health insurance coverage later, I am not sure what I want to do.  There are many factors that go into this, some selfish, some out of petty fears and some out of scary fears.

The past year has been so. freaking. nice.  Not worrying about trying to get pregnant has given me some good mental health.  Trying to get pregnant is hard.  I never thought it would be so hard.  Especially emotionally.  It sucks to get negative pregnancy tests over and over and over again.  And then to get a positive test but go to your ultrasound only to hear bad news.  It not only takes a physical toll, but it takes a heck-of-an emotional toll on you too.  I've reached the point where I can say that I am genuinely happy for others to announce they are pregnant without secretly being ENRAGED on the inside and wanting to bawl my eyes out because I wasn't pregnant.  Every pregnancy announcement on facebook, every woman on the street with a big old pregnant belly was so hard to look at when I was feeling like a failure with my own fertility.  I am happy with where I am in my life right now.  Maybe it's the Portland air where I'd be the crazy one to have children "so young", but it's definitely been nice to not have the pressure that we need to bust out 5 kids right this second.

Having this time with Dustin to do whatever we want, whenever we want to do it has been so great.  We've paid off the car, gone on some fun little weekend trips, and have many more that we'd like to do.  It's so much easier financially to not have a baby while Dustin's in school.  It's so nice to have "us" time before kids take up every second of your life.  Like I said, I have selfish reasons as to why I'm not sure how I want to proceed with trying again.  They're not really good reasons to not try for a baby, and I know I'd change my mind set real fast if we had a pregnancy enter the equation, and really, I'm sure I'd be ecstatic to get pregnant.  But these things do cross my mind.

Some petty fears I have are that my kids will be CRAZY.  The kids in my ward out here are out of control.  They frighten me.  I have no idea why all children in the world are all of a sudden so crazy, and I'd love to think that my children will be angels, but what if they're CRAZY?!  Can I handle having a crazy child?  Will I be able to teach it and discipline it so they will learn to choose the right and be obedient and respectful?  The idea of parenting is all of a sudden so terrifying. What if I screw up my children?  I feel like most people are scared of the idea of being responsible of teaching small humans to grow up and develop into capable big humans.  It's a petty fear, nothing to hold back trying for a baby, but it's still in the back of my mind.

And then my scary fears.  Honestly, I am scared of the possibility of not being able to get pregnant and keep the pregnancy. What if my infertility isn't temporary?  What if I'm never going to get pregnant?  Never ever ever?  I know that adoption is so INCREDIBLE and if we are never able to have children biologically, we will be able to have our own children through adoption.  I'm just not ready to face that reality though.  So if I don't start trying to get pregnant, then I don't have to start worrying about the possibility of never being able to be pregnant and carry a child full term, right?  I'm just scared of the unknown of my fertility. 

I'm in a safe space right now where I am enjoying my life and my husband and while my heart yearns for a baby of my own, I am scared at the possibility of getting pregnant and also the possibility of not getting pregnant.  It's a tricky place to be in, but I know I just need to muster up the strength, courage, and especially FAITH to move forward. 

Time will only tell and we will be praying an awful lot about it.  I did set up an annual exam June 1st with a new OBGYN out here in Portland and we will discuss my infertility with him and go from there.  Maybe this summer we will have some happy news to share.  But maybe not.  I'll keep you posted as my thoughts/feelings change.

Until then, just know that Dustin and I are so happy and will keep on taking life's challenges as they come.  Come what may and love it.

Almost Perfect

I've been dreading writing this post for quite some time now, but I guess it's now or never so here goes.... Living the good life...

I've always said that I like odd numbers better than even numbers.... So with this year being 2011 and age 25, I knew it was bound to be an amazing year. Started out great with a good birthday, Boston work trip, Vegas anniversary, Phoenix racquetball nationals, Dustin's graduation, Cancun, and then a summer to work work work to save money for grad school. Of course, we still have good things going on this summer to look forward to-- family reunion in St. George for 4th of July, Portland trip mid July to find some where to live, East Canyon end of July, and then packing up in August and work work working some more! I'm excited to move to Portland this fall. It's a new adventure.

This year was going to be ending perfectly.... And here is where I wish my post could have gone something like this....

Definite positive April 18th

Happy Easter announcement!

10 week ultrasound

But I have to stop here and put more of what the picture at my 10 week ultrasound looked like....I know it's a super tiny picture and it's not even mine (they didn't let me keep any), but you can kinda see that at 10 weeks we found out that my baby wasn't going to be celebrating Christmas with us this year. Measuring 7 weeks. No heartbeat. This was my worst fear going to this appointment. Also, this appointment was the day before we left for our Mexico trip. Not great timing. To rule out any possibility that baby was just measuring small (and had no heartbeat?!?!), we scheduled a follow-up appointment for the next week.

I left for Mexico and was expecting to start bleeding at any second. Thankfully, that didn't happen and I was able to enjoy our vacation and just relax. The day after we got back, we went in for the follow-up and found that baby was still the same size, which is what I was expecting. It was definitely a miscarriage. I started bleeding the next day. Lucky for me, it wasn't painful. Then came blood test after blood test after blood test to make sure my HCG level was going down and that I was miscarrying it all.

With this miscarriage, I think it was a little bit easier for me to handle while I was going through it, as I was preparing for it for a week, instead of waking up with gushing blood one morning. But now.... I'm still having issues dealing with everything.... Especially when I keep hearing about all these other couples expecting a baby. I'm happy for them. But I'm completely jealous. And angry. And frustrated. And bitter. And trying to get over myself. It's hard. I know everyone has their own trials and everything, but I can't help but wish this wasn't mine.

This year would have seriously been the PERFECT year to end with a little one born in December. But now it's just almost perfect. It's still been good. And there are still good things to come in 2011/age 25. Maybe 3rd pregnancy will happen this year and will stick like a champ. I like odd numbers better anyway, right?

To help me cope with the loss and the pain and the hurt, with Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec (played by Amy Poehler) as my hero and role model, I have made a pros and cons list about having this miscarriage at this time. (I know, I know, I have serious mental issues) For every con, I'll list a pro. (not necessarily a pro that goes with the con, just something pro...)

Con: I miscarried at 11 weeks.

Pro: It only took 3 months (only 2 cycles!) to get pregnant again from the last miscarriage! I made it all the way to 11 weeks, which means I made it much further along so I'm progressing!

Con: I'm not having a baby in December

Pro: We can come home for Christmas! (except maybe not cuz grad school costs a bucketload... here's to hoping for a fantastic job out there! That's for another post though...)

Con: The shorts I bought for Mexico that I got one size too big so I could "grow into" them this summer totally don't fit any more. They are way too big.

Pro: Dustin was able to get the TV he wanted with his graduation money instead of a car seat, stroller, crib, and diapers x10. Also, I let us get iphones. i love my iphone.

Con: When we moved, I wasn't going to find a new job because a) who would want to hire someone 7 months prego and b) who would want to find a new job 7 months prego, knowing you're going to quit in 2 months?!? The con part is: now I have to find a job.

Pro: Because I'll find a job, we'll have money to survive... for at least the first year or so. After that we might starve/be homeless.

Con: Every time I look at a new baby or a pregnant woman, I get jealous.

Pro: I was able to handle Nathan and Adrienne and their new baby Elliott moving into the house while I was pregnant, and I grew to love Elliott instead of hate him because I wanted my own baby.

Con: I can't eat whatever I want any more and blame it on being pregnant.

Pro: Dustin and I have more time to spend together with just the two of us. I've said it a million bazillion times, but I'll say it again... I HAVE THE GREATEST HUSBAND EVER. And I'm the happiest when I get to spend time with just the two of us. I am so glad I get to be with him FOREVER.

I'll end with that pro cuz it's a good one. Am I ready to start trying again? Not really. Which is totally fine because we'll be moving in 3 months anyway and I will have time to settle in, get a new job, and get a good doctor who can hopefully add additional helps (progesterone/estrogen) and take good care of me. I don't want to end by saying that "every thing works out for the best" because honestly, this sucks. But I will end by saying that I am glad this year will be almost perfect because there is still the word perfect in it.