busting out the big guns

This October marked 3 years of trying to conceive for us... that's 36 months my friends.  36 cycles that didn't work out the way we wanted them to.  36 heartbreaks.

Now before you proceed further into this post, know that you will know the intimate details of my cycle whether you want to or not.  My boss and coworker know them as well as some people in the ward, and I'm not afraid to talk about them anymore, so go ahead, get to know me and my Aunt Flo.  We'll be official best friends.

My insurance through my work started in May so we decided to go see a doctor in June and start back on the clomid wagon in July.  I was hopeful that things would go similarly as before, with the exception that we'd end up with a baby in the end and not a miscarriage.  The doctor seemed nice enough and we ran some bloodwork in addition to doing a semen analysis for Dustin.  All things came back normal and being 20 pounds lighter, we were excited to start treatments again.  We put a  pause on "project look good" and moved forward to "project make a baby."  After all, this doc even had us doing day 21 progesterone tests to monitor ovulation... make sure the clomid was doing what it should.  How could we lose?!

And so we got excited.  July came and my BBT charts looked promising... day 21 results came back as low (meaning they said I didn't ovulate) and so we moved ahead to August.  Afterall, in both pregnancies I had from clomid, it was the 2nd round that did the trick.  This time we bumped the dosage up.  August's chart looked good and then day 21 results came in... and were lower than July.  Which means the doc wasn't very happy with me and now they wanted me to maybe do one more month but then send me off to a specialist.

I was starting to feel a bit crazy.  My charts were good, so something must be working, right?  Also, basically everyone I've ever talked to about infertility asked me if I was diagnosed with PCOS-- to which the answer is NO.  This doctor went over the usual symptoms with me: weight gain, increased hair (like on your neck or chin), depression, difficulty losing weight, and of course, infertility.  I sat there like, 'um, yes, those are all me.' and then he looked at me and said, 'meh, you look fine.'  REALLY?! That should have been my first clue to seek help elsewhere. 

But I didn't and so September was going to be the month, we just knew it.  We were on the higher dosage of clomid again and the charts looked good.  Day 21 progesterone results came back and... still low.  I was frustrated.  We had gotten so excited.  I even let myself start buying baby things.  And we were having no luck.  So in October we made an appointment at Oregon Reproductive Medicine to see a specialist while doing one final round of clomid in hopes that we could make a miracle.

The meeting with the specialist was fine.  She was very thorough on how the female cycle works with hormones and all that jazz and talked about things we could do to move forward-- There are more tests to be done and lots of money to be paid, but there is a plan in place that is more aggressive to make "project make a baby" work.  She also made me feel better about my progesterone draws.  She told me I was ovulating, that even if my results were "low", they were still above ovulation range, which means I wasn't crazy after all.  But she still didn't diagnose me with PCOS.  I even asked her about it--she said that because I generally have regular cycles that I probably don't have PCOS... though you CAN possibly be regular and still have it.  Blarg.

Infertility is depressing.  I won't lie.  There are many times that I have broken down and just couldn't take it anymore.  I had Dustin give me a blessing and I felt better, but the heartache that comes each month is always there.  When we were told about the more aggressive treatments we got excited-- "we could be pregnant next month!" was all we could keep thinking.

And then the end of October came when it was time to make a decision-- the proposed plan was to do up to 4 cycles of IUI with additional testing such as a hysterosalpingogram (HSG for short--its a big word for an x-ray dye test for your uterus/tubes to make sure all the lady bits are ok/not blocked), genetic testing, ovarian reserve testing, FSH/Estradiol testing, the works.

For those of you who don't know what IUI is, it is a fertility treatment that uses a catheter to place a number of washed sperm directly into the uterus. The goal of IUI is to increase the number of sperm that reach the fallopian tubes and subsequently increase the chance of fertilization.  It starts with a Day 1 (can be done days 1-3) ultrasound to get a general baseline.  Then a medication is taken days 3-7 and a Day 12 midcycle ultrasound is done to see how your ovaries are reacting to the medication-whether you're ready to ovulate or not.  Then comes the trigger shot-inducing ovulation.  Give it a day or and you're back in the office having the husband do his business so they can wash the sperm and get all the best ones ready to inseminate you a few hours later.  Wait 12-14 days and BAM, you have a baby.  At least, that's the plan.  In all actuality, we learned that chances of getting pregnant on our own is about 2%.  With IUI, it bumps it up to 20%.  Not super promising, but it's 1000% more of a chance of pregnancy that trying on our own.

 And it costs a lot.  Of course it's not as much as IVF, but it still has a pretty penny on it.  Not to mention that my health insurance covers NOTHING to do with infertility.

 So this decision of what to do for November was hard.  Christmas is coming up and with my brother's wedding in December, we had the unexpected cost of plane tickets to Utah for the holidays.  We also need to register our car in Oregon and get Oregon driver's licenses and that can cost a bit too.  Dustin's student loans this quarter aren't stretching as far as other quarters as well--he is taking an extra class/seminar this quarter to get a special certification for the Graston technique and we got him a chiropractic table since he is in adjusting classes now and needs to get a good feel for adjusting.  Money is tight.  That's how grad school goes, right?  If we waited a few more months, we could always lose more weight too and hope that that helps with fertility... So many factors to consider!

But we really want a baby.  I convinced myself that we would wait until January when we will be getting more student loans, promise of a tax return, and a Christmas bonus from work.  But every time I thought I was convinced, I really wasn't.  I would feel depressed.  And then the thoughts and excitement from our first appointment with the specialist came creeping back into my head--"we could be pregnant next month!"
And so I let that win.  Because I felt happy about it instead of depressed which is good enough for me!

And when my period started this week, we made the call for the baseline ultrasound.  I went in for it this morning and the ultrasound part was fine.  My uterine lining is fine and my ovaries have plenty of eggs in them.

What was TRAUMATIZING was the 6 vials of blood that they wanted for blood work!!!  I was not prepared for that.  My arms are known for being terrors when it comes to giving blood--remember how I was shunned away from the plasma center because my veins were deemed unsuitable?!  And now they wanted 6 vials.  Wow.  So I was poked once and got half a vial.  Then it stopped.  So I was poked again. And again.  And then we called for backup.  Where I was poked again, and then finally on the FIFTH attempt, we found a winner vein to complete the other 5 vials.  Seriously traumatic.  Especially when I had to check out and pay $563 for all the trauma.   (I told you it was a pretty penny)

Fail.

The good news is that I shouldn't have to do those nasty things again.  At least, I don't think so.  They were for fertility testing and now we know the results- my FSH and my Estradiol are both completely normal-meaning my ovarian reserve is just fine and I'm not menopausing anytime soon.  My TSH (thyroid) came back as HIGH (which I had tested before by lame doctor man who said it was normal), so I am starting on a thyroid medication tomorrow.  I'm kinda excited about that just because I've wondered if there was a problem with my thyroid for a while now (hello, I gained HOW many pounds?!), but was told it was normal.  I hope this really helps. Thyroid symptoms can also be similar to PCOS symptoms so maybe it's just a thyroid issue all along?  I dunno, guess we'll see!

I did get a prescription writeup thing to have MORE blood work done at a different clinic (that can take my insurance) for some tests that will check out possibly why I've had 2 miscarriages.  I might give that some time cuz after today's trauma, I'm gonna have to build up all my strength for that. 

I also have a prescription to start Femara which is like Clomid but with less side effects (um, hello, why didn't we pick that before?!).

This Friday I have my HSG and then next Friday will be my midcycle ultrasound.  In 26 days we can know if I'm pregnant or not! 

This is progress people!  The plan is in action and moving forward!  Sure, we'll be broker than broke when it's all said and done, but hopefully we'll end up with a bouncing bundle of joy in 9 months.  Fingers crossed, prayers said, good vibes sent out to the universe.

If things don't work out this cycle, we will take a break until at least January, maybe another month or so to boost up the funds again.  (Thank goodness for HSA money left over from Storesonline!!)

So there you have it-- the big guns have been busted out and we are attacking this fertility head on.  If you so feel the need or desire to pray for us, please do.  If you so feel the need to send us money, I'll give you our address hahaha.  We're hoping for the best and will keep you posted!