Coming early 2016...

I can't believe that almost two months ago we started the process to sign our lives away... at least the next 30ish years of it.
We are building a home in Heber with Oakwood Homes and are super excited about it!
At first I was in denial.  Lots and lots of denial.  We had been looking at builders and existing homes for months.  We really liked Edge Homes but the floorplan we wanted seemed out of budget.  We discovered Oakwood Homes in June and I fell in love.  Their floorplans are perfect for our starter home and in a price range we were happy with.  Homes in Heber are PRICEY, and these new construction homes were the best price we've found plus they are NEW and will be finished however we want!
I feel like Oakwood Homes gives you more bang for your buck.  They seemed to have more included items in the base price of the home (like granite countertops, stainless steel appliances, LARGE kitchen islands) that would all be upgrades for Edge.  I notice as I type this that those are all kitchen upgrades haha.  It's true, Oakwood Homes have nice kitchens and that was a super important condition for me.  Even little things that you wouldn't think as much about like including elongated toilets (instead of circle), large walk in showers in the master bath, etc. are included in the base price.  So I feel like we're getting a great deal!
The biggest downside to Oakwood Homes in Heber is that their lot sizes are teeny tiny.  Like .11 acres- you can reach out and touch your neighbors house- teeny tiny.  They had a few bigger lot sizes available but they were on a road that required you to do a 3 car garage to match the curb appeal of the Ivory Homes subdivision across the street.  And for us, a 3rd car garage wasn't exactly what we want, need, or have the money to pay for in a first time home purchase.  The floorplan we also were most interested in doesn't have a model home in Heber and I wanted to be able to walk through it before deciding to buy it.
We were in contact with our sales agent and let her know that we were interested in a particular lot that was one of the biggest lots (.19 acres), on a corner, and didn't require a 3rd car garage.  That was on a Wednesday.  She wrote back to us that the lot wasn't available yet and that many people had interest in that lot so it might come down to a lottery.  That Friday night we got another email back saying that the lot was available! Saturday we drove to Centerville to walk through our floorplan model and then met with her that afternoon to sign a contract.  We put our earnest money down and got the lot we wanted!

Our corner lot

It was super nerve wracking to sign the contract and it took us a good while to do it.  I felt like we were crazy but at the same time felt really good about building this home.  We said a prayer before we went in to our meeting and by the time it was signing time, we still felt like it was the right thing to do.  Even though we were unsure about Dustin's job or what the heck we're doing in life, we felt like this is where we are supposed to be. Side bar- Dustin's job has all worked out, he's now at a different clinic in Park City working for Dr. EJ Raven and we are so happy for this change!  It was such a blessing to us and amazing to me how it all worked out in the timing that it did.  We love the Ravens are are very happy to be a part of Freedom Chiropractic!
The next day (Sunday), I was super anxious and afraid that we had made a terrible mistake.  At church we sang Hymn No. 34 and when we came to this verse I felt like it was a confirmation that we had made the right choice.  But when we drove home from church, we both said that we were really sad to be leaving our ward.  We love the Heber 1st ward!

PS don't mind the typo on the last line.  Auto correct was out to get me.  It should just be "All my hopes are centered in thee."

This picture is the  view from the backyard of our new house looking at Mt Timp.  I'm so excited to make Heber our mountain home!  I've been scouring Pinterest and Houzz for ideas, and crowd sourcing ideas on Facebook.  I love all the ideas and have to keep telling myself "this is our FIRST home, it's a STARTER home, we don't need ALL THE THINGS!" But I think it will still be a really nice house.
If you'd like to take a virtual tour of the model home, you can check it out here.  And if you want to see the floorplan, you can find it here and then click on "Search for homes in Cottages" and we are the Granby floorplan.
Our design center appointment is in 2 weeks and I can't wait! We've already been to the design center a few times to scope things out and get a feel for where we want to put our money and the different finishes for everything. It's so much to decide!
They told us it should be done in February, but we are thinking it will probably be March.  Our plans are in to architecture to get permits so hopefully once we're done with all the design center appointments in a month, they can get things started soon after!
I apologize in advance for all the house pictures/posts to come in the next few months.  I'm a little bit obsessed and excited.

Pre-surgery, introducing Phyllis, and pie heaven

The AF hospital just called to do "pre-registration" for my surgery.  Because knowing my race is super important pre-surgery.  They also asked "how long have you had symptoms".  Um.... 5 years? I told her I didn't know, so she asked when I decided I wanted to get this surgery done.  As soon as my doctor said "WHOA, there's a giant polyp in your uterus!"  But I just said "3 weeks".  Cuz I think that's how long ago we scheduled it.  Only 2 days until surgery!  I really have no idea what to expect for this.  I have never been to the hospital for myself except when I went to the ER for miscarriage #3 (and that was so lame).  This whole surgery thing is new to me.  I'm imagining it to be like a D&C... except I've never had a D&C so if anyone has any thoughts on that....
I'm planning to be back to work on Friday but many people are telling me I won't be up for it.  So I guess we'll see how it goes.  The concept of being put out for surgery is so weird to me.  I keep asking Dustin what it's like.  Apparently you count backwards from 10, don't even make it to 1, and then the next thing you know, you're waking up and it's over.  Do you dream in surgery? Cuz I have some CRAZY dreams.
So when I told my boss I needed a day off for surgery, he said I should name my polyp.  I started thinking of the usual names that would go with a polyp- Paul, Polly, but they were too obvious.  I also couldn't decide if it was a boy or a girl until I was texting the ever-amazing Kenna.

She had the right words I needed to hear to make me laugh and cope with a difficult situation. (Thank you Kenna!)  So I'd like to introduce you to my polyp, Phyllis.

This is what I imagine Phyllis to be like.  The name Phyllis reminds me of Phyllis from The Office, who happens to be playing the voice of  Sadness in the new Pixar movie coming out this summer.  I just look at this character and think of how my polyp is just hanging out in my uterus, all sad like, taking up all the space and making everyone sad.
I am so ready to get rid of Phyllis.  How long has she been in there anyway??

Some days I'm pretty sure I'm the one making that face instead of Phyllis.  Visiting with a friend last week, she made a comment about how impressed she was that I stay so positive through all of this.  They too dealt with fertility issues for a long time before getting pregnant with their beautiful baby girl.  I kinda laughed and thought, "MAN! My posts are full of lies if I always seem so positive!"
Truthfully, I have a lot of anger inside of me.  I never ever ever said a swear word until 5 years ago, and now... well... swears happen.  I constantly am listening to the Spotify station "Deep Focus" to try to stay calm at work.  Of course, some days are good, but there are also bad days too. I've had a million angry prayers in the past 5+ years of infertility.  Sometimes I just don't want to go to church when I know there will be a bunch of pregnant mamas and adorable babies all staring at me wondering why we're childless. (Though my ward knows, I totally shared our infertility struggle over the pulpit when I introduced us to the ward in my talk in January, whatev).
Really, I'm just hanging in here, trying to cope with this the best I can.  What pulls me back to putting on a positive face is faith in the plan of salvation, the plan of happiness.  I've had a lot of friends and family who have left our church and I can understand where they're coming from.  But for me, this trial has kept me going to church.  I need to believe in a purpose for life.  I need to believe that a loving Heavenly Father is watching out for me, that He has a plan for me and ultimate knowledge of what is best for me, even if I have other plans for myself.  If in the end, there's nothing but a pile of dirt waiting for me and there's no afterlife, I'd rather have gone through life believing that there's more.  Believing that this all happens for a reason.  Believing that I can be with my loved ones forever.  If it's not true, then who cares, it doesn't matter.  But I like having purpose.  I like feeling that this life just isn't some crap hole that I'm supposed to suffer through.
And that's why I believe.  That's why I try to stay positive. 

“When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.”

Water Ultrasound

 

 I've been wondering how to do this post.  Remember how I was worried I'd have to share terrible news instead of good news? That's usually what seems to happen for me.  I'm ready to share that happy ending, but this post is not that post.  After reading my patriarchal blessing, I felt that it was important to continue posting about our journey, even (and especially) the bad news.
The water ultrasound last Tuesday showed a giant polyp in my uterus.  Like giant.  So big that even if a good embryo were to make it's way down, it would be kicked off by this bully of a polyp. This will require surgery called a hysteroscopy, which, as of this morning, is scheduled for Thursday April 16th.  It is a same day surgery that will be the American Fork hospital and then we can try an IUI the following cycle in May.  The doctor gave me a pamphlet about it and said, "This is what a polyp looks like, but yours is more this size".

Do you see it- what he penned in? No? Here you go:

Now do you see it?  That giant black line that is the polyp taking over my uterus? I told you I hate my uterus.  I have no idea how long that thing has been in there, but if it's been a while, it could be what has been causing my miscarriages. 

I cried myself to sleep that night.  I was so hopeful that all would go smoothly- that we'd get pregnant with twins this month and be able to be happy with our Christmas babies and life would be perfect.  With not being able to do an IUI until May, my hopes of a baby by 30 are shot.
I know that it's good to get this taken care of and I'm so glad that he found it before we went further and had another miscarriage, but it was still a big loss for me.  I felt like Rachel from the Bible in my prayers that night when she said "Give me children, or else I die!" Wednesday I woke up and did some scripture reading to find comfort, especially the story of Rachel.  "And God remembered Rachel".  I know I need to be patient and that my timeline is not His timeline and that I need to trust in Him.  The hymn above was sung in sacrament meeting the Sunday before the water ultrasound and it gave me comfort in my faith.  I also found comfort reading through my patriarchal blessing that night. I don't share it with many people, but I thought this was important. 
"I bless you in your ability to overcome adversity, to deal well with illness, with any kind of physical disability that you may feel is a problem in your life.  I bless you to be strong and healthy.  I bless you to go forward, understanding, and knowing that any difficulties that come will help you, are for your strength and growth, and will be for your good.  I bless you to help others in their difficulties and challenges, that by your example they may know that all things work together for our good when we are obedient to the commandments, when we put our faith and trust in the Lord, Jesus Christ."  I have been promised that I will be a mother in Zion and I know this will happen when it is the right time.  I just wish it was now.  Hopefully I can help someone else find comfort and encouragement in their journey and struggles.
With any chance of getting pregnant still 2 months out, I decided to get the MMR booster shot (might as well) and took care of that Friday. We stopped eating Whole30 and even Paleo this month because it's a lot of work and my brain can only handle one thing at a time.  I'm going to start Whole30 again the day after Easter and try to stick with it for 2 months until we are able to try for IUI again. 
Hopefully this surgery will be the last missing piece to our struggle and  with combined efforts of the IUI we will be able to make and keep a baby!

Breaking up with Portland

Fun fact (you should let other people tell you they're fun- Pitch Perfect): This is the longest we've ever lived anywhere in our married lives. It's true.  We love Oregon and we love the friendships we have made out here.  It will always be our 2nd home and we plan on coming back to visit often. But...
It's official.  We're breaking up with Portland.  We handed in our 30 day notice at our apartment complex yesterday and will be packing up a moving truck and driving it to Utah Labor Day weekend.
While trying to come up with a plan for when we wanted to move and where we wanted to move to, we've tried to go through a couple scenarios. It's been a debate between Labor Day weekend and mid September.  We had made up our minds to move September 18th when my parents could fly out and help us load up.  But then our apartment decided to raise rent (yet again) exponentially higher starting September 1st so we knew it was time to move before then.
We still don't know what we're going to do in Utah.  Dustin has been applying for jobs and working with a friend on a business plan to start our own, but we are not positive which direction we are going to take.  I'm sure I can get a job once we get there, but it makes a difference if we're going to be in South Salt Lake County as an associate vs. Utah county with our own practice, so I'm holding off applying anywhere until we can finalize that decision.
Which means we have no idea what we're doing.  All we know is that we definitely want to be in Utah and feel like that's where we are supposed to be.  We are moving in faith and hoping that our little savings will get us through until we figure it out.
Thank goodness for parents.  And family.  We still have a few things to finish up the first couple weeks in September so we will be staying with my aunt and uncle in Battle Ground (cousin sleepover EVERY NIGHT Connor!)  Our stuff will go into storage in Utah until we figure out where we are going. And once we're in Utah, we'll stay at my parent's house until one of us gets a job.
I'm hoping this next month we'll have some firm decisions made and can move forward with life.  It's kind of a scary move going into the unknown, but I know that this is where we are supposed to be.
It will all work out, right?