Almost Perfect

I've been dreading writing this post for quite some time now, but I guess it's now or never so here goes.... Living the good life...

I've always said that I like odd numbers better than even numbers.... So with this year being 2011 and age 25, I knew it was bound to be an amazing year. Started out great with a good birthday, Boston work trip, Vegas anniversary, Phoenix racquetball nationals, Dustin's graduation, Cancun, and then a summer to work work work to save money for grad school. Of course, we still have good things going on this summer to look forward to-- family reunion in St. George for 4th of July, Portland trip mid July to find some where to live, East Canyon end of July, and then packing up in August and work work working some more! I'm excited to move to Portland this fall. It's a new adventure.

This year was going to be ending perfectly.... And here is where I wish my post could have gone something like this....

Definite positive April 18th

Happy Easter announcement!

10 week ultrasound

But I have to stop here and put more of what the picture at my 10 week ultrasound looked like....I know it's a super tiny picture and it's not even mine (they didn't let me keep any), but you can kinda see that at 10 weeks we found out that my baby wasn't going to be celebrating Christmas with us this year. Measuring 7 weeks. No heartbeat. This was my worst fear going to this appointment. Also, this appointment was the day before we left for our Mexico trip. Not great timing. To rule out any possibility that baby was just measuring small (and had no heartbeat?!?!), we scheduled a follow-up appointment for the next week.

I left for Mexico and was expecting to start bleeding at any second. Thankfully, that didn't happen and I was able to enjoy our vacation and just relax. The day after we got back, we went in for the follow-up and found that baby was still the same size, which is what I was expecting. It was definitely a miscarriage. I started bleeding the next day. Lucky for me, it wasn't painful. Then came blood test after blood test after blood test to make sure my HCG level was going down and that I was miscarrying it all.

With this miscarriage, I think it was a little bit easier for me to handle while I was going through it, as I was preparing for it for a week, instead of waking up with gushing blood one morning. But now.... I'm still having issues dealing with everything.... Especially when I keep hearing about all these other couples expecting a baby. I'm happy for them. But I'm completely jealous. And angry. And frustrated. And bitter. And trying to get over myself. It's hard. I know everyone has their own trials and everything, but I can't help but wish this wasn't mine.

This year would have seriously been the PERFECT year to end with a little one born in December. But now it's just almost perfect. It's still been good. And there are still good things to come in 2011/age 25. Maybe 3rd pregnancy will happen this year and will stick like a champ. I like odd numbers better anyway, right?

To help me cope with the loss and the pain and the hurt, with Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec (played by Amy Poehler) as my hero and role model, I have made a pros and cons list about having this miscarriage at this time. (I know, I know, I have serious mental issues) For every con, I'll list a pro. (not necessarily a pro that goes with the con, just something pro...)

Con: I miscarried at 11 weeks.

Pro: It only took 3 months (only 2 cycles!) to get pregnant again from the last miscarriage! I made it all the way to 11 weeks, which means I made it much further along so I'm progressing!

Con: I'm not having a baby in December

Pro: We can come home for Christmas! (except maybe not cuz grad school costs a bucketload... here's to hoping for a fantastic job out there! That's for another post though...)

Con: The shorts I bought for Mexico that I got one size too big so I could "grow into" them this summer totally don't fit any more. They are way too big.

Pro: Dustin was able to get the TV he wanted with his graduation money instead of a car seat, stroller, crib, and diapers x10. Also, I let us get iphones. i love my iphone.

Con: When we moved, I wasn't going to find a new job because a) who would want to hire someone 7 months prego and b) who would want to find a new job 7 months prego, knowing you're going to quit in 2 months?!? The con part is: now I have to find a job.

Pro: Because I'll find a job, we'll have money to survive... for at least the first year or so. After that we might starve/be homeless.

Con: Every time I look at a new baby or a pregnant woman, I get jealous.

Pro: I was able to handle Nathan and Adrienne and their new baby Elliott moving into the house while I was pregnant, and I grew to love Elliott instead of hate him because I wanted my own baby.

Con: I can't eat whatever I want any more and blame it on being pregnant.

Pro: Dustin and I have more time to spend together with just the two of us. I've said it a million bazillion times, but I'll say it again... I HAVE THE GREATEST HUSBAND EVER. And I'm the happiest when I get to spend time with just the two of us. I am so glad I get to be with him FOREVER.

I'll end with that pro cuz it's a good one. Am I ready to start trying again? Not really. Which is totally fine because we'll be moving in 3 months anyway and I will have time to settle in, get a new job, and get a good doctor who can hopefully add additional helps (progesterone/estrogen) and take good care of me. I don't want to end by saying that "every thing works out for the best" because honestly, this sucks. But I will end by saying that I am glad this year will be almost perfect because there is still the word perfect in it.

the power of blowing bubbles

I know I just posted yesterday, but I posted about work and how I'm grateful to have a job... but now I need to post the other half because today was a very frustrating day, and it's not been the first frustrating day at work lately....

There have been many times where I've wanted to just walk out of work and quit on the spot. Today was one of those times. We have been SWAMPED with work lately and are not staffed well enough to do our workload in the best time (and most accurately) as possible. I am overjoyed that we have lots of orders to be processing because obviously, that is what is good for the company. I just wish that they would let me hire someone else so that we can get our work done and stay caught up with everything. I hate the feeling of drowning and asking my team to work overtime if possible because I know that I don't want to be working overtime either.

As we've been rolling out new products and testing new things, it has made my job very frustrating because sometimes things aren't quite ready and I get to deal with the aftermath. Sometimes changes happen in our database that make my job more complicated or cause more work so I'm not able to spend the time with my team doing our extra work because I have extra work of my own to do.

I get so frustrated when we set policies and they aren't followed, and then we take no action to correct the problems. One of my many frustrations today, in short, is concerning a new policy that was set for the preview sales managers. Some didn't follow it. So they were fined. But then one guy, who isn't even their manager, after one sales guy complained to him about the fine, AGREED with him that the fine should be reversed. If we don't fine these guys, they'll never learn and they'll keep doing whatever the heck they wanna do, regardless of any kind of policies they are given. There have never been so many swear words floating around my mind as there were this afternoon. It frustrates me SO BADLY that people are given mercy for their laziness and inability to do their job correctly. So with one guy off the hook from his fine, that means that we have to let ALL the others off the hook because that's not fair to them. WHAT THE FREAK. I am sick of babysitting grown men to have them do their job correctly and then when it is clear to them how they should do their job, there is no consequence for doing things wrong. They are kindergarten teenagers who think they know how to do everything (that's the teenager part), but then bawl like a baby when there is a consequence for their bad behavior (that's the kindergarten side). It is frustrating to work with those kinds of people. Oh. so. frustrating.

Here's how I remedied the situation.... First, I had a good little chat with one of the sales managers giving me the most grief right now and we came to a good resolution, and he has promised me that he will communicate with me more so that I can help him do his job correctly. But he is clear on our policies now and will do it right, or he will be punished and he knows that.

Then I went into our AP group's office and they gave me chocolate to eat and bubbles to blow. It was amazing. I never knew that blowing bubbles could calm anyone down so well. I mean, I guess it makes sense because you are blowing out evil, angry air, but it was magic. I felt better after blowing bubbles. I think I need to get a large amount of bubbles at my desk while we fix the issues that are going on. I get angry a lot often. I'm sure a large part of it has to do with my personal life and the emotional/hormonal roller coaster I've been on lately, but it's just so frustrating to do my job sometimes.

I have set a goal to have a positive attitude and I am trying to work on it. I know that I won't always be perfect and that there will be bad days (like today) and good days (hopefully much more to come!). I want to be happy at work and I know that I can be because I have been. The frustrations won't always last. The issues will get resolved through (lots and lots of) communication. It's just frustrating sometimes and some days I just need to vent. Because my job isn't perfect and some days are just bad days.

And while days are bad days, I will blow bubbles. Lots and lots of bubbles.