Water Ultrasound

 

 I've been wondering how to do this post.  Remember how I was worried I'd have to share terrible news instead of good news? That's usually what seems to happen for me.  I'm ready to share that happy ending, but this post is not that post.  After reading my patriarchal blessing, I felt that it was important to continue posting about our journey, even (and especially) the bad news.
The water ultrasound last Tuesday showed a giant polyp in my uterus.  Like giant.  So big that even if a good embryo were to make it's way down, it would be kicked off by this bully of a polyp. This will require surgery called a hysteroscopy, which, as of this morning, is scheduled for Thursday April 16th.  It is a same day surgery that will be the American Fork hospital and then we can try an IUI the following cycle in May.  The doctor gave me a pamphlet about it and said, "This is what a polyp looks like, but yours is more this size".

Do you see it- what he penned in? No? Here you go:

Now do you see it?  That giant black line that is the polyp taking over my uterus? I told you I hate my uterus.  I have no idea how long that thing has been in there, but if it's been a while, it could be what has been causing my miscarriages. 

I cried myself to sleep that night.  I was so hopeful that all would go smoothly- that we'd get pregnant with twins this month and be able to be happy with our Christmas babies and life would be perfect.  With not being able to do an IUI until May, my hopes of a baby by 30 are shot.
I know that it's good to get this taken care of and I'm so glad that he found it before we went further and had another miscarriage, but it was still a big loss for me.  I felt like Rachel from the Bible in my prayers that night when she said "Give me children, or else I die!" Wednesday I woke up and did some scripture reading to find comfort, especially the story of Rachel.  "And God remembered Rachel".  I know I need to be patient and that my timeline is not His timeline and that I need to trust in Him.  The hymn above was sung in sacrament meeting the Sunday before the water ultrasound and it gave me comfort in my faith.  I also found comfort reading through my patriarchal blessing that night. I don't share it with many people, but I thought this was important. 
"I bless you in your ability to overcome adversity, to deal well with illness, with any kind of physical disability that you may feel is a problem in your life.  I bless you to be strong and healthy.  I bless you to go forward, understanding, and knowing that any difficulties that come will help you, are for your strength and growth, and will be for your good.  I bless you to help others in their difficulties and challenges, that by your example they may know that all things work together for our good when we are obedient to the commandments, when we put our faith and trust in the Lord, Jesus Christ."  I have been promised that I will be a mother in Zion and I know this will happen when it is the right time.  I just wish it was now.  Hopefully I can help someone else find comfort and encouragement in their journey and struggles.
With any chance of getting pregnant still 2 months out, I decided to get the MMR booster shot (might as well) and took care of that Friday. We stopped eating Whole30 and even Paleo this month because it's a lot of work and my brain can only handle one thing at a time.  I'm going to start Whole30 again the day after Easter and try to stick with it for 2 months until we are able to try for IUI again. 
Hopefully this surgery will be the last missing piece to our struggle and  with combined efforts of the IUI we will be able to make and keep a baby!

I hate my uterus

So we are currently underway for our IUI this month.  I started my period on vacation but made it back in time for the baseline ultrasound.  I started on Femara and we are scheduled for a water ultrasound to check out my uterus next Tuesday.  Then we have the follicle ultrasound next Wednesday to see how we're looking and if there are any developing follicles.  I received meds in the mail today for a shot of Brevelle, HCG, and progesterone suppositories.  This is really happening! They also did some bloodwork at my baseline ultrasound and called back with the results today saying that I am not immune to Rubella so they recommend getting a booster shot or I can sign a waiver saying that I recognize the risks or something like that.  If I got the booster shot, I would have to wait another 4 weeks before trying to get pregnant.  I'm all for vaccinations, but I am all set for the IUI this month and don't want to wait.  They've taken my money, if they wanted me to do this booster shot, they should have tested when I was there last month for my consultation and took some blood!  The way I see it, no normal couple checks for infectious diseases like Rubella before trying to get pregnant, so we're just about the same as everyone else, right?
This period this month has been a super crappy one.  I'm pretty sure every woman hates her period, but I find it seriously unfair to have crappy periods when you don't ovulate and are wanting to get pregnant.  I've had some horrible cramping and have been angry with how angry my uterus is.  Here's to hoping that it's the last period in a while!
I'm really hopeful for this cycle but also very nervous and scared that it's not going to work.  We're putting a lot into this and it's all out of our hands.  We are doing an awful lot of praying and fasting and thank you for your thoughts and prayers too.  In the mean time I'll start sending my uterus happy vibes and try to not worry too much.
I have mixed feelings about sharing everything about our fertility.  In a way, it's good for me to share so I feel like I'm not alone in this, that our family and friends are here to support us.  At the same time, it's hard for me to share because what if things don't work out, and then everyone knows our business.  What if it does work out and I'm not ready to share the results.  Because 3 miscarriages makes you hesitant to announce a pregnancy on the day you find out.  And a negative result will not be what I'll want to come home and blog about to the world.  Because telling everyone the timing of your cycle and the exact moment of conception is is not socially norm.  Because talking about sex and sperm and periods and uteruses and getting knocked up has been somewhat taboo in our culture.  It makes things a little awkward, but I'm hoping that the outcome is more rewarding than keeping it all to myself.  
Sending those happy uterus vibes now... they might need it for the water ultrasound coming up.