The 7 year itch

I guess blog posts are bound to decrease when one cancels their internet at home....
But here I am!  Because there's been a lot on my mind lately.
Today is our 7 year anniversary.  And I don't have anything gooshy or lovey dovey to share.  But I have been thinking a lot about being married for 7 years and about our infertility.  It's been hard lately.
A year ago on our anniversary we were celebrating in Mesa and Vegas started another round of fertility treatments as soon as we got home.  It had been a big break in treatments (since seeing the terrible specialist in Portland) and I was excited for what the year would bring.  During that month's treatment cycle we did the water ultrasound and found Phyllis.  Dang you Phyllis.  Surgery was in April and then we started a fertility round the very next month in May.  Which was no dice.  Things got crazy when I switched jobs in June, signed our contract for building our house in July, and then Dustin got a new job in August and started it in September.
It was a wild summer and by the time things calmed down, we felt that it wasn't the right timing for treatments that fall.  So we waited until winter.  And things felt good again.  So we did a monitored "timed intercourse" cycle that started the very end of December and boy was I surprised when I had FOUR follicles ready for ovulation. They asked if I wanted to proceed because there was a much higher chance of multiples and I said "bring it on!" Well, none of them took.  So we did another round end of January and this time asked our family to fast with us.  Because fertility treatments are hard.  And emotional.  And a financial burden.  That round brought one perfectly ready follicle but again, no luck.
Of course in the middle of this cycle, the {crap} hit the fan.  Our house will be ready in April and our down payment will be due.  We did our taxes and turns out when you start making twice as much money as before (with two incomes vs one that we had had for so long while Dustin was in school), you have to change your tax exemptions or you owe (and you owe a lot).  Again, due mid April.  And then Dustin ruptured his Achilles playing basketball.  Thankfully we didn't have to do surgery, saving us over $3000 that would also most likely be due in April, but it was still an added expense.  Proof once again that things come in 3's. 
So with all that was going on, I didn't feel like we could continue treatments at this time.  Which sucks.
I distinctly remember when we were first trying to get pregnant, I had a conversation with a coworker who told me her sister finally adopted after trying to get pregnant for 7 years.  And I thought to myself, "there's NO WAY I would wait that long to adopt!"  Well guess what.  It's been about 7 years.  And guess what.  Adoption isn't even on our radar.  I know people are trying to be nice and friendly when they hear our story and then immediately ask if we are going to adopt, but it drives me crazy.  I have nothing against adoption, but it has NEVER felt right.  And with how hard adoption is, I can't feel good about investing that much emotionally and financially for something that doesn't feel right.  You gotta be in the right mindset and I'm not.  I'm so open about our infertility so I'd be open about our adoption plans too.  So please.  If you're wanting to ask, don't.  And if we are going to adopt, I promise I'll let you know.
I wish I could say that I knew exactly what the plan is, but I don't.  I'm tired of trying and failing.  I'm tired of getting my hopes up on a good cycle only for the news to be bad.  I'm tired of having to defend myself when people ask why we don't have kids or when we're going to start our family.  It's hard guys.  And I don't think I can emotionally handle it anymore.  So I think I'm taking a break.  A break from fertility treatments.  At least for a little while.  A break to work on myself and finding my zen.  To find inner peace and really figure out what we're supposed to do.  I know we're supposed to have a family, I just don't know when or how.  We'll figure it out.  And until then, I will work on me.  Because that's all I can control.  And because I need to be happy and willing to accept whatever the answer is.
So happy 7 years to us.  To all we've gone through and all we will continue to go through in the next 7 years.  It's not always easy but I'm so grateful that at the end of the day, I have my best friend and lover with me. And if it's just us forever, I can probably be ok with that.  Because I really like him.  And he makes me happy.

Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month

I was trying to caption an Instagram post that was turning into a novel, so I figured I should just get it all out in a post.

Most of you know that October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.  I haven't been able to put to words all my thoughts on this so I've stayed quiet, even though I'm not quiet about our infertility journey.  For me, these two have gone hand in hand.  I've had three miscarriages from pregnancies that were achieved through fertility treatments. These were all pregnancies I had hoped and prayed for, only to have them end in the first trimester, never getting my take home baby. 
My heart breaks every time I hear someone's story of their loss.  I am so proud of all the women raising their voices to share their stories the past few weeks.  I know it's not easy, but there is so much love and strength that comes when we share our struggles and losses. 
I think of how different our lives would be if each baby lived.  I am grateful for the experiences we have had over the years of infertility, and know that they have shaped us into who we are today.  We are very blessed. Even though we still have no babies running around in our home calling me mommy, they are each a part of my heart and I am a mother.  I am thankful we can spend this month remembering each angel baby because I know that each woman who has gone through this loss thinks about what could have, would have, should have been.

Hysteroscopy and post surgery

Surgery was kinda forever ago.  Good news- it went well.  I wanted a picture of Phyllis and the doctor said he would be taking pictures throughout the procedure, but I haven't seen them yet.  So sorry, you get no Phyllis pictures.  I know you're super bummed that you don't get to see the inside of my uterus.
I was told that I wasn't allowed to wear any makeup, jewelry, lotions, perfumes, nothing to the surgery.  So I got to wake up and leave au natural. 

We got to the hospital and didn't have to wait long before we were all checked in and back in pre-op sporting the fabulous hospital gown. 

Then a series of nurses came in and out and all asked the same five questions.  I'm not sure if it's because they just don't want to read your chart, or if it's because they want to make sure you're still you and haven't had your secret body double come and sub in for you.
My main nurse was a cute young thing and I think we scared her with putting the IV in by telling her my veins are difficult.  Which they are, and I wanted to give her a fair heads up.  She tried once (and it left a nasty bruise), but she wasn't able to get a good prick so she had a more experienced nurse come in.  She got it in my hand and that meant we were ready for business.  Then came the anesthesiologist to ask the same 5 questions as everyone else.  A few more nurses, and we were off to the operating room!

They put the mask on me to start the anesthesia and the next thing I knew, I was waking up in post op hearing Dr. Foulk talking on the phone telling Dustin that the surgery went well and hearing someone else's conversation about puddings in the storage closet or something... there was definitely pudding talk in the background.
I had some pretty hard uterus cramping when I woke up, but they gave me some heat and a percocet with my Lorna Doone, and that felt pretty nice.  After we were checked out from the hospital we stopped at Winco for some crackers.  And like 4 boxes of brownie mix. Because anesthesia.  We got home and I was ready to crash on the couch.  My cute coworkers picked up some Kneaders soup, bread, and a magazine for my recovery.  I went back to work the next day but by 10 AM I was feeling sooo super tired so I left after a half day to go home and rest.  I think I slept that whole weekend.

 I never had much cramping after initially waking up, so that was good.  I had started my period the day of surgery but I'm thinking they just scooped everything out cuz I didn't really have much bleeding after.  Yay for a free period month.  My biggest side effect was just being really tired.  For like a week.  But really, recovery was really good.  And at least the hospital sent me a get well card before sending me the bills, haha.

Phyllis was located at the top of my uterus and, as expected, was quite large.  With her being at the top of the uterus, I can see why no good embryo would be able to make it.  Even if there was a good embryo, they probably would have tried to implant into uterus, causing a miscarriage.  They also checked for a septum in my surgery but Dr. Foulk said there was none.
I had a base line ultrasound today and things are all looking good.  My lining looks good and my ovaries look great, no cysts! One of the doctors said that my ovarian reserve is really good, that I have lots of good eggs!  Which I laugh at because I have a period every month but don't ovulate, so I would hope that my reserve is good!  My ovaries are hoarders.  I know that ovarian reserve is a real issue for many couples with infertility, but we are fortunate that is not the case.  With Phyllis gone, we just need to get me to ovulate!  And hopefully we will this month!  I started on meds again today and we are upping my Brevelle injection this month to get a better stimulation. 
Hoping and praying for a good fertility cycle this month!

Pre-surgery, introducing Phyllis, and pie heaven

The AF hospital just called to do "pre-registration" for my surgery.  Because knowing my race is super important pre-surgery.  They also asked "how long have you had symptoms".  Um.... 5 years? I told her I didn't know, so she asked when I decided I wanted to get this surgery done.  As soon as my doctor said "WHOA, there's a giant polyp in your uterus!"  But I just said "3 weeks".  Cuz I think that's how long ago we scheduled it.  Only 2 days until surgery!  I really have no idea what to expect for this.  I have never been to the hospital for myself except when I went to the ER for miscarriage #3 (and that was so lame).  This whole surgery thing is new to me.  I'm imagining it to be like a D&C... except I've never had a D&C so if anyone has any thoughts on that....
I'm planning to be back to work on Friday but many people are telling me I won't be up for it.  So I guess we'll see how it goes.  The concept of being put out for surgery is so weird to me.  I keep asking Dustin what it's like.  Apparently you count backwards from 10, don't even make it to 1, and then the next thing you know, you're waking up and it's over.  Do you dream in surgery? Cuz I have some CRAZY dreams.
So when I told my boss I needed a day off for surgery, he said I should name my polyp.  I started thinking of the usual names that would go with a polyp- Paul, Polly, but they were too obvious.  I also couldn't decide if it was a boy or a girl until I was texting the ever-amazing Kenna.

She had the right words I needed to hear to make me laugh and cope with a difficult situation. (Thank you Kenna!)  So I'd like to introduce you to my polyp, Phyllis.

This is what I imagine Phyllis to be like.  The name Phyllis reminds me of Phyllis from The Office, who happens to be playing the voice of  Sadness in the new Pixar movie coming out this summer.  I just look at this character and think of how my polyp is just hanging out in my uterus, all sad like, taking up all the space and making everyone sad.
I am so ready to get rid of Phyllis.  How long has she been in there anyway??

Some days I'm pretty sure I'm the one making that face instead of Phyllis.  Visiting with a friend last week, she made a comment about how impressed she was that I stay so positive through all of this.  They too dealt with fertility issues for a long time before getting pregnant with their beautiful baby girl.  I kinda laughed and thought, "MAN! My posts are full of lies if I always seem so positive!"
Truthfully, I have a lot of anger inside of me.  I never ever ever said a swear word until 5 years ago, and now... well... swears happen.  I constantly am listening to the Spotify station "Deep Focus" to try to stay calm at work.  Of course, some days are good, but there are also bad days too. I've had a million angry prayers in the past 5+ years of infertility.  Sometimes I just don't want to go to church when I know there will be a bunch of pregnant mamas and adorable babies all staring at me wondering why we're childless. (Though my ward knows, I totally shared our infertility struggle over the pulpit when I introduced us to the ward in my talk in January, whatev).
Really, I'm just hanging in here, trying to cope with this the best I can.  What pulls me back to putting on a positive face is faith in the plan of salvation, the plan of happiness.  I've had a lot of friends and family who have left our church and I can understand where they're coming from.  But for me, this trial has kept me going to church.  I need to believe in a purpose for life.  I need to believe that a loving Heavenly Father is watching out for me, that He has a plan for me and ultimate knowledge of what is best for me, even if I have other plans for myself.  If in the end, there's nothing but a pile of dirt waiting for me and there's no afterlife, I'd rather have gone through life believing that there's more.  Believing that this all happens for a reason.  Believing that I can be with my loved ones forever.  If it's not true, then who cares, it doesn't matter.  But I like having purpose.  I like feeling that this life just isn't some crap hole that I'm supposed to suffer through.
And that's why I believe.  That's why I try to stay positive. 

“When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.”

Water Ultrasound

 

 I've been wondering how to do this post.  Remember how I was worried I'd have to share terrible news instead of good news? That's usually what seems to happen for me.  I'm ready to share that happy ending, but this post is not that post.  After reading my patriarchal blessing, I felt that it was important to continue posting about our journey, even (and especially) the bad news.
The water ultrasound last Tuesday showed a giant polyp in my uterus.  Like giant.  So big that even if a good embryo were to make it's way down, it would be kicked off by this bully of a polyp. This will require surgery called a hysteroscopy, which, as of this morning, is scheduled for Thursday April 16th.  It is a same day surgery that will be the American Fork hospital and then we can try an IUI the following cycle in May.  The doctor gave me a pamphlet about it and said, "This is what a polyp looks like, but yours is more this size".

Do you see it- what he penned in? No? Here you go:

Now do you see it?  That giant black line that is the polyp taking over my uterus? I told you I hate my uterus.  I have no idea how long that thing has been in there, but if it's been a while, it could be what has been causing my miscarriages. 

I cried myself to sleep that night.  I was so hopeful that all would go smoothly- that we'd get pregnant with twins this month and be able to be happy with our Christmas babies and life would be perfect.  With not being able to do an IUI until May, my hopes of a baby by 30 are shot.
I know that it's good to get this taken care of and I'm so glad that he found it before we went further and had another miscarriage, but it was still a big loss for me.  I felt like Rachel from the Bible in my prayers that night when she said "Give me children, or else I die!" Wednesday I woke up and did some scripture reading to find comfort, especially the story of Rachel.  "And God remembered Rachel".  I know I need to be patient and that my timeline is not His timeline and that I need to trust in Him.  The hymn above was sung in sacrament meeting the Sunday before the water ultrasound and it gave me comfort in my faith.  I also found comfort reading through my patriarchal blessing that night. I don't share it with many people, but I thought this was important. 
"I bless you in your ability to overcome adversity, to deal well with illness, with any kind of physical disability that you may feel is a problem in your life.  I bless you to be strong and healthy.  I bless you to go forward, understanding, and knowing that any difficulties that come will help you, are for your strength and growth, and will be for your good.  I bless you to help others in their difficulties and challenges, that by your example they may know that all things work together for our good when we are obedient to the commandments, when we put our faith and trust in the Lord, Jesus Christ."  I have been promised that I will be a mother in Zion and I know this will happen when it is the right time.  I just wish it was now.  Hopefully I can help someone else find comfort and encouragement in their journey and struggles.
With any chance of getting pregnant still 2 months out, I decided to get the MMR booster shot (might as well) and took care of that Friday. We stopped eating Whole30 and even Paleo this month because it's a lot of work and my brain can only handle one thing at a time.  I'm going to start Whole30 again the day after Easter and try to stick with it for 2 months until we are able to try for IUI again. 
Hopefully this surgery will be the last missing piece to our struggle and  with combined efforts of the IUI we will be able to make and keep a baby!

I hate my uterus

So we are currently underway for our IUI this month.  I started my period on vacation but made it back in time for the baseline ultrasound.  I started on Femara and we are scheduled for a water ultrasound to check out my uterus next Tuesday.  Then we have the follicle ultrasound next Wednesday to see how we're looking and if there are any developing follicles.  I received meds in the mail today for a shot of Brevelle, HCG, and progesterone suppositories.  This is really happening! They also did some bloodwork at my baseline ultrasound and called back with the results today saying that I am not immune to Rubella so they recommend getting a booster shot or I can sign a waiver saying that I recognize the risks or something like that.  If I got the booster shot, I would have to wait another 4 weeks before trying to get pregnant.  I'm all for vaccinations, but I am all set for the IUI this month and don't want to wait.  They've taken my money, if they wanted me to do this booster shot, they should have tested when I was there last month for my consultation and took some blood!  The way I see it, no normal couple checks for infectious diseases like Rubella before trying to get pregnant, so we're just about the same as everyone else, right?
This period this month has been a super crappy one.  I'm pretty sure every woman hates her period, but I find it seriously unfair to have crappy periods when you don't ovulate and are wanting to get pregnant.  I've had some horrible cramping and have been angry with how angry my uterus is.  Here's to hoping that it's the last period in a while!
I'm really hopeful for this cycle but also very nervous and scared that it's not going to work.  We're putting a lot into this and it's all out of our hands.  We are doing an awful lot of praying and fasting and thank you for your thoughts and prayers too.  In the mean time I'll start sending my uterus happy vibes and try to not worry too much.
I have mixed feelings about sharing everything about our fertility.  In a way, it's good for me to share so I feel like I'm not alone in this, that our family and friends are here to support us.  At the same time, it's hard for me to share because what if things don't work out, and then everyone knows our business.  What if it does work out and I'm not ready to share the results.  Because 3 miscarriages makes you hesitant to announce a pregnancy on the day you find out.  And a negative result will not be what I'll want to come home and blog about to the world.  Because telling everyone the timing of your cycle and the exact moment of conception is is not socially norm.  Because talking about sex and sperm and periods and uteruses and getting knocked up has been somewhat taboo in our culture.  It makes things a little awkward, but I'm hoping that the outcome is more rewarding than keeping it all to myself.  
Sending those happy uterus vibes now... they might need it for the water ultrasound coming up.

Fertility Specialist and a diagnosis

Nicole had her baby the day before we went to the specialist.  Here is Avalee Dawn Cook, newest niece!

After having a horrible experience with our fertility specialist in Portland (super condescending, expensive, and uncaring), I was a bit nervous to go back to a fertility specialist.  I had heard lots of good things about Dr. Foulk at the Utah Fertility Center and he didn't disappoint!
We went over the TONS of labwork and tests we had done before as well as my fertility history, all of which showed that we both checked out on paper.  Dr. Foulk went over the 5 main reasons for miscarriages since that has been a big problem for me.  One of the reasons I could be miscarrying would be due to abnormalities of the uterus.  You'd think that would come up in all the ultrasounds or the HSG that I've done, but I guess not.  Next month we will do a water ultrasound that will test for any possibilities such as a polyp, fibroid, or septum.  If nothing is found, we will move forward with an IUI.  If there is something wrong like a septum, we will need to do surgery first. 
My appointment was on cycle day 8 so we did an ultrasound to see if there were any developing follicles as I have been on clomid and took the rest that I had this cycle.  Dr. Foulk agreed that if there was something going on, we might as well not miss this cycle!  There was a follicle developing on the right ovary and also a bigger one on the left ovary, but it was oddly shaped so he said it probably wasn't a good follicle.  As we looked at the left ovary there were a few other egg looking things, which at my Portland specialist, she said they were other eggs developing, just not as big as the main one.  Dr. Foulk looked at it and said, "oh yes, there are some cysts, which is common with PCOS." And I said "WAIT! You're saying I have PCOS?!"  He probably thought I was crazy and that this was obvious, but I explained to him that every doctor I've been too said that I DIDN'T have PCOS, even when I asked them about it.  He was surprised that the specialist in Portland didn't give me that diagnosis and I told him that she not only said I don't have PCOS, she told me that I ovulate because I have a period every month.  Which I knew wasn't true but when the "specialist" that you're paying tons of money to see tells you you're crazy, you start to think you're crazy, even if I know my body well.  I've been wondering for YEARS if I have PCOS but have always been told no, even though I have many of the symptoms.  It was kind of a relief to hear that yes, I do legitimately have this issue that is causing my infertility instead of it remaining unexplained.  In our consultation before the ultrasound, Dr. Foulk told us that the reason we're not getting pregnant is because I don't ovulate.  So take that Dr. B. in Portland!
They took some blood (only 1 vial, woot!) for some bloodwork to check my estrogen levels and figure out if that follicle would be a good one or not and we could do an IUI this month.  The bloodwork came back indicating that it's not a good egg and probably just a cyst so we'll wait until next month.
Dr. Foulk started me on Metformin to help balance my hormones and insulin resistance caused by the PCOS. I asked previous doctors about taking Metformin and they never wanted to prescribe me with it.  So I was happy that he suggested it himself without me even having to ask.  I'll be calling them back on Day 1 to get set up for an IUI and the water ultrasound.  We'll be using Brevelle (FSH stimulant), an HCG trigger shot, the IUI, and progesterone suppositories.  So we have a real plan!!!
I'm excited to make this happen and I feel good about working with Dr. Foulk. He knows what he's talking about and it makes sense to me with all my suspicions about my infertility.  I'm also happy that we'll do the progesterone to help against miscarrying too.
Fingers crossed that next month will be a success!

Lab work Results

I feel so inadequate writing this post because I really don't fully understand the labwork results.  Anyone who thinks that chiropractors are quacks should meet with Dr. Jared Nielsen.  He is the smartest physician I've ever met and explained things we've been wondering for the past 5 years but no one has either known how to answer or run the correct tests to answer.  We are so lucky that he hired Dustin.  Of course smart people hire other smart people so... of course he would hire Dustin. :)
The results of my bloodwork showed some pretty serious things.  I might be saying them all wrong, but here's what we understand:
1. I have Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism.  We already knew I have hypothyroidism, but Hashimoto's is an autoimmune disorder of the thyroid antibodies (which had never been tested in me before).  The thyroid antibodies attack my thyroid, which is why it doesn't work right. 
2. My liver isn't doing it's job very well.  It's not filtering the toxins or something like that... which it makes me insulin resistant.  Which leads to...
3. I am hypoglycemic.  My body does not process insulin correctly.  I have too much insulin but my body doesn't respond to it and process it to get rid of the sugars.  Instead it just pumps out more insulin and stores the sugar.  So even if I were to live on a teeny tiny calorie diet, I would still gain weight.  It causes me to crave sugar because my body thinks it's low. Because it is low...
4. I am microcytic anemic.  Which means I'm not anemic because I have plenty of red blood cells, but they are very small in size.  Because of this they don't absorb iron or oxygen.  I have poor oxygen and carbon dioxide exchange which causes me to fatigue quickly with exertion. 
5. These things together cause me to be estrogen dominant.  In a normal cycle, there are 4 waves of hormones releases.  It starts with FSH in the beginning which signals the ovaries to start growing a mature egg.  Then estrogen rises before the LH surge which triggers the release of the mature egg.  After this, progesterone takes over to keep the uterus from shedding it's lining.  If the egg is fertilized, it will burrow it's way into the lining, releasing HCG and the corpus luteum will keep pumping out the progesterone until the placenta can take over.  If this doesn't happen, the corpus luteum dies and you get your period.  In my case, instead of having an LH surge, my hypothyroidism also produces an increase in prolactin which inhibits the surge and progesterone, and I don't ovulate.  But somehow I still have a monthly period so really, that's not fair. 
6. My body is in constant stress due to high cortisol levels from my Reverse T3 Serum that is high.  This explains why I get anxiety and overwhelmed at times. 

The good news is that all of these are treatable.  There are some supplements Dr. Nielsen would like me to be on to help treat my liver, which we think might be the main cause of insulin resistance and would help everything else out.  But since I am currently mid cycle on a round of clomid, he would like to wait until after we find out if this cycle is successful or not.
We are currently waiting on a blinking smiley face OPK which indicates  my estrogen rise and we are hoping to get that solid smiley face in the next few days to show that the clomid worked and I am ovulating this cycle.

In the mean time, I have started on some other supplements.
Nattokinase is to help with an antibody that is hanging out in my body from previous pregnancies.  This can cause scar tissue to build on my uterus, preventing a placenta to be able to attach. 
AdrenaCalm is a gentle, soothing cream with herbs and nutrients to support stress response through adrenal management.  It should help with my high cortisol levels and calm me down. 
Chaste Tree/Vitex is to help regulate my cycle and help with ovulation.
Inositol is used for treating conditions associated with PCOS including failure to ovulate, and high triglycerides.
X-Viromin is to increase the performance of white blood cells which will help with my autoimmune disorder.  Also, my blood worked showed I have systemic inflammation and this will help with that.
Glutathione is an antioxidant shot I'll get once a week for 6 weeks to help my liver and systemic inflammation.
Vitamin D, Fish Oil, and Glutathione are things I'll need to take for the rest of my life with Hashimoto's.
And of course, a daily prenatal.

The other big part of this solution is diet.  And guess what is recommended?  No sugar or caffeine, and eating lots of veggies, fruit, and meats.  Basically Whole30.  So at least we are happy with that and have seen the benefits from living a Whole30 life.  We were going to wait until after the holidays to get back onto a hard core Whole30 routine, but i guess this means we'll be starting back on it sooner than later.  I also need to eat breakfast every morning and should not be fasting due to the hypoglycemia.  It causes my body to stress, shake, and get really fatigued.  So, sorry first Sunday of the month... Doctor's orders. 

If the clomid doesn't take this month and we don't get pregnant, we will hold off on doing another round for a few months while we get my liver in check and everything else in check too so that I can be the healthiest me for a successful pregnancy.  Hopefully it doesn't take too long. :)

Back on the Meds

It's now been 5 years of infertility.  It's been 2 whole years since we went to the specialist (that I hated) in Portland.  Almost 2 years since my last miscarriage.  The last thing we did for my infertility was over a year ago when I did an HSG (the dye test) which once again revealed that everything looked just fine.   My infertility is unexplained.  All my tests come back normal.  But still, we just can't get a baby in me. 
Before I left Portland I had a visit with my lady doctor and he asked if we wanted to get started back on Clomid.  I said sure, knowing that I wouldn't start on it until after the move, but we were able to stock up on 6 months worth while on my previous insurance. 

In October I started back on Clomid and while my BBTs looked great and showed a definite pattern of ovulation, no baby for us.  We'll see how this month goes, but so far I'm not crossing my fingers.  I have added OPKs to this cycle too so we're doing all we can to optimize our chances!
The sad thing about getting back on Clomid is that this just means that I should be ovulating much better.  This puts us back in the range of "normal" couples which gives us still only a 20% chance of conception.  We've had luck getting pregnant with Clomid before, but we still have to figure out why they don't stick.  I'm pretty sure that the second I find out I'm pregnant I will call up my old doc here in Utah and ask to be put on progesterone and start on baby Aspirin.  Anything to help it work. 
We are also trying out a few other things to help with the process.  First, we are working on implementing Whole30 ALL the time.  Or at least most of the time.  We feel so much better when we eat clean and the food you eat can really affect your hormones.  With starting a new job, I have done a crappy job of making every meal Whole30.  We usually get one or two compliant meals a day, but definitely not completely clean.  The Whole9 group has recommended NOT doing a Whole30 during the holidays so I think we'll pick it back up hard core at the beginning of the year.  Life was so much easier to exercise and eat healthy when that's all I had to do all day!

I'm also trying out essential oils.  I do not think they can cure my infertility, but I think that they can at least help with my moods while on Clomid.  Clomid makes a lady CrAzY and I have found that these few cycles back on the meds I have been a little less crazy.  I really think that the essential oils have helped with that.  There are a few others I am going to try that help with ovulation and hormones so fingers crossed that I can become one of those essential oil loving people.  For now I'm still figuring out if I like them or not.

I did some blood work last week (ok, a LOT of bloodwork) for Dr. Nielsen, the chiropractor that Dustin works for.  He's done a lot of work with couples to help them achieve pregnancies that last so I am excited to see what he says when we meet with him this week and to get a plan going.  Dr. Nielsen does a lot of natural supplements so we'll see what he recommends. 

Hopefully we can get a baby in me that will STAY in me (for the regular nine months of course) and I can have a little one by the time I hit 30.  I know I shouldn't put a timeline on things, but I feel like I'm getting so old and just want to be able to start my family.  So many of my friends are done having kids and it seems so weird since we haven't even started yet.
Of course, moving to a new ward I get a lot of the "do you have any kids?" questions.  And when I say no it's followed by "and how long have you been married?"  Does it really matter how long we've been married?  Or are they just trying to find something in common with me when kids aren't in the picture?  The last time someone asked I just told them we were infertile.  Then they felt sorry for me.  So I don't know how to best answer the question but I think it's just easier to tell people and get the awkwardness out of the way. 
I feel like it's getting really close to the right timing for us to have a baby, but it's hard to say when it will really happen.  If nothing takes on these 6 months of Clomid, we'll probably go to a specialist in the spring.  We might have to do more IUIs, and maybe even IVF.  I just hate the thought of putting so much money into IVF and then have it miscarry.  With unexplained infertility we really don't know what the problem is so we are just trying out all angles possible.  We've fasted and prayed about adoption and it hasn't felt right.  As always, prays are welcome our way.  Maybe soon we can post that we are expecting a little miracle.

Seriously So Blessed

Does anyone remember that satire mommy blog "Seriously so blessed" by "TAMN"?  It was a funny Mormon stereotype blog about how she was seriously so blessed.  That's what I think of every time I say or hear "seriously so blessed" but for reals-- I feel seriously so blessed.

Isn't Heber gorgeous?!

We have made it to Utah and it was hard to say goodbye to Portland (breaking up is hard to do), but we are really excited about this next chapter.  Right now it still feels like we are on vacation.  We've been here just a little over a week and all last week was filled with getting Spencer off on his mission and then getting Nicole married.
Dustin has been in to the office a few days this week but we are waiting on the state to get his license finalized so he can start working.  The update today was that they have everything so it will just be another 7-10 days.  We just wanna be working already!  We really are super blessed to have this job.  I know that it's been a lot of fasting and prayer for us (since March really), with combined efforts of our family and friends we asked to fast with us in August, and it's the perfect job for Dustin.  He will be working with Dr. Jared Nielsen at the Nielsen Clinic in Heber City Utah and is so excited to start working.  Dr. Nielsen is pretty incredible and Dustin knows he will learn a lot.  We have a three year contract and it feels great to have our next three years outlined with a salary coming in.  No more school!! Heber City is beautiful and though I'm nervous about snow (I hate it.), I'm really happy Dustin got the job that he really wanted.  Seriously so blessed.
We found a cute little basement apartment in Heber City and we can move in October 13th so in the mean time we are chillin in my parent's basement.  I really really really wanted a townhouse with a garage (because SNOW), but this basement apartment will be good for the next 6 months to a year.  All the townhouses had no availability and were at the high end of our budget.  This basement apartment is below our budgeted amount so we will be able to SAVE and hopefully get into our own house in the next year.  Which would be AWESOME.  It will be a good space for us, has 2 bedrooms, includes a washer/dryer, and the rent price includes utilities.  So, um, like I said, awesome. I think it's the right place for us for now.  Seriously so blessed.
Being under budget also means that there is no rush for me to get a job. I can get one when the right one comes, but don't have to stress about rushing to find a job so we have enough income to pay our bills.  I don't know if I'm ready to start working again and part time sounds much better than full time, but wouldn't include benefits, so there's a lot to consider.  We also want to start on fertility meds (clomid) again soon.  Like real soon.  I may or may not have a 6 month stash to get started on so might as well take it easy, rest up, Whole30 up, and fertility drug it up,  right? At least for a little while.  We'll see....
I feel like we're really lucky and that everything is coming together. Just 2 months ago I was wondering how the heck we would survive after graduation, especially if we were opening up our own practice.  I was stressing about what we would do for an income and where we would live and how we'd be able to start on fertility meds if we were so broke and poor.  It is all working out and the pieces are coming together.  I'm excited to see what the next few months bring with all these changes.  We really are seriously so blessed.

Packing

I hate packing.  I really do.  Having to cram my whole life into boxes is the worst.  We are excited for this next stage of life- no more school, no more student loans (just paying them off for the next forever), just being adults with real jobs, and hopefully real kids and real houses somewhere in the next few years.
We are anxiously waiting to hear back about a few jobs Dustin interviewed for in Utah last week.  There's one that Dustin really really really wants so I'm really really really hoping that he gets it.  Send good vibes/prayers/juju to us pretty please? 

As I'm packing I feel like there are so many things left to do in Oregon and I am sad to go.  This will always be our second home, a place that we will always love and hope to come back and visit often.
Here are just a few things I am really going to miss about Oregon:
No sales tax
Trees EVERYWHERE
Waterfalls
Someone else pumping your gas for you
Being close to the beach, the mountains, the desert, all within a 2 hour drive
All our friends we have made here
Being so close to the Art and Sheri Gaileys and the Brent and Holly Creers
Farmers markets every weekend in the summer
Cinetopia
Rain (I still don't think it rained enough while we were here!)
No judgements from anyone


We have been working on our bucket list but we are definitely not going to be able to finish it. Just means we need to plan a trip back next summer so please keep in touch all you Oregon peeps! We want to see you again!
We are really excited to be so close to both our immediate families and being there for more family functions. 
Looking back to when we moved here 3 years ago, I feel like we were so young and now we are so old.  We've grown a lot in these past few years.  When we moved here we had recently gone through fertility treatments that ended in miscarriages.  It was hard for me to talk about my infertility without getting super emotional.  I have become a lot more comfortable with myself and my struggles.  I love that no one here questioned the fact that we have no kids. I found so much support from others in my ward who struggled with infertility.  I have some worries about going to Utah and knowing that we will be the odd childless ducks. I'm hoping that when we get these questions (because I know they're coming) I can answer with love and tact. 
And now I need to go do some more packing...

Giving it up

Today on facebook I posted a question asking for advice, tips, tricks, and favorite recipes for going gluten free.  While I received mostly helpful comments, I received a few "why are you doing this?" responses. Don't worry if you were one of them who said it in your mind or out-loud on facebook, my own mother was one of them (i love you mom!).  But to be honest, it shouldn't matter to you why I'm doing it, unless you're looking at going gluten free too and are also looking for good suggestions. 
Up until last week I have been the kind of person who says "I will NEVER go gluten free unless medically needed!" or "I'm on a gluten ONLY diet" (which definitely has never been true, but I have jokingly made that comment).  Well, after researching gluten intolerance, I have found enough evidence that has given me a change of heart and a desire to give it a go.
After a personal message from a friend who shared her experience with clean eating after experiencing infertility, I sent her a response and figured I could share it here too for any who feel they need an explanation for my personal health choices.  So here ya go:
I am going gluten free for a couple different reasons. I ran into a friend the other day who has hypothyroidism (Hashimoto's to be exact) and infertility, and is now happy-healthy-baby pregnant.  I asked her how they found success and she shared her story with me about going gluten free. The only change they made after multiple failed IUI's and a previous miscarriage was their diet.  Gluten can have a strong connection with hypothyroidism, and she is now off her meds. You can read a brief article on the connection here.  She knows that I also have hypothyroidism and infertility, and recommended that I look into it as well.
So of course I started researching everything about going gluten free, and I noticed that I have a lot of the symptoms associated with a gluten intolerance: Itchy, scratchy rash, Foggy Brain and trouble focusing, Depression, Anxiety, and Irritability, slight dysfunctional digestion (I get random episodes of burps after eating- yep, TMI, but hey, you asked why I'm doing this!), and of course, unexplained infertility and miscarriages.  Go ahead and google "gluten free and infertility" and you will find many articles that address this issue. 
While I'm not sure my symptoms are necessarily from gluten, I figured I could try it for 6 months (that's what my friend recommended as was recommended to her) and see how I feel. The only way to know if you have a gluten intolerance is to cut it out 100%. We aren't trying any other fertility treatments right now and if this does happen to work, it will be a whole lot cheaper than seeing a specialist again.  If it can work to treat hypothyroidism, that will also save the expense of medication and doctor appointments to retest every six months.
The more I look into eating gluten free, the easier I see it becoming. Knowing that corn, potatoes, and quinoa are okay (I've been clueless about what all gluten is in, I always hear how it's in everything), it makes it easy for me to give up pastas and breads. The things I'm worried about the most are baked goods. I have a huge sweet tooth.  I know that a "no sugar diet" would also help with any systemic inflammation, but I'm not ready to give up sugar.  I've already tried out a gluten free peanut butter cookie from Our Best Bites here and I loved it.  I hope to be able to ease out sugar gradually though as we start eating cleaner. 
I have no idea if eating gluten free will help my infertility--that's one of the big problems with unexplained infertility AND miscarriages, we have no idea what's causing them-- but I think it's a worth a shot.  Don't you?

Let it go - I wanna see you be brave

I haven't written in my journal yet tonight, but I have a feeling my entry will go something like this:

Today was a rough day.  Maybe I'm just tired. I know I'm tired. I have so much anger in me.  So much sadness.
I don't know how to express my anger.  I don't know how to get rid of it.  Let it Go was my song for this morning. I need to learn to let things go, to not take them so personally.  It's so hard sometimes.  I don't know the reasoning behind some people's decisions and I will probably never know.  Which means I need to let it go. I can't hold the anger inside.  It's not healthy and I don't like it.
Sara Bareilles got me through this afternoon.  I love her.  I wish I knew when things were going to happen in my life.  If I could pick a super power, I would pick to know the future. I keep thinking about what I want to do with  my life... what I should do when Dustin graduates, gets a kick-a job and we move to said kick-a job, wherever that may be.  And I don't know what I want to do.  I have 5 years experience in Accounting but no Accounting degree to go with it.  I am dang good at what I do but I fear no one will hire me at the level and pay-grade I deserve, based on education.  My Bachelors degree is worthless.  So then what, do I go to school to get an Accounting degree? I don't really want to... I don't want to do Accounting forever.  What do I want to do?  I want to have babies.  I want to be a mom.  That has always been my dream job.
Enter sadness and anger about infertility.  I wish I knew when and how we are going to start our family.   I don't know if I will ever be able to get pregnant and keep the pregnancy.  It hasn't happened yet.  And doctors haven't given me any answers as to why.  I have seen and heard so many pregnancy/birth announcements lately and while I am truly happy for these people for the fact alone that they don't have to go through this hell, I am at the same time devastated for my own current misery of infertility.
I don't want sympathy.  Sometimes you just need to hear "I'm sorry, that sucks" instead of "the sun will come out tomorrow".  I know in the end that we will get through this and see how blessed we have been and how great our lives are from this learning experience.  But in the darkness of it right now it sucks.  And I want out.  I want it to end. I want to plan my life and progress.
So for now I have hard days and I listen to Sara Bareilles and feel a little better. I go home at the end of a long work day and hug my wonderful husband tightly and cry a little.  I go to bed early to wake up and take on another day.  But for now...
"Now I'm just a basket case."

**Update** In case you feel inspired to make my day a little better, commenting with YouTube links of something funny/adorable is sure to do it such as this one. Thank you Vicky for brightening my day. :)