But here I am! Because there's been a lot on my mind lately.
Today is our 7 year anniversary. And I don't have anything gooshy or lovey dovey to share. But I have been thinking a lot about being married for 7 years and about our infertility. It's been hard lately.
A year ago on our anniversary we were celebrating in Mesa and Vegas started another round of fertility treatments as soon as we got home. It had been a big break in treatments (since seeing the terrible specialist in Portland) and I was excited for what the year would bring. During that month's treatment cycle we did the water ultrasound and found Phyllis. Dang you Phyllis. Surgery was in April and then we started a fertility round the very next month in May. Which was no dice. Things got crazy when I switched jobs in June, signed our contract for building our house in July, and then Dustin got a new job in August and started it in September.
It was a wild summer and by the time things calmed down, we felt that it wasn't the right timing for treatments that fall. So we waited until winter. And things felt good again. So we did a monitored "timed intercourse" cycle that started the very end of December and boy was I surprised when I had FOUR follicles ready for ovulation. They asked if I wanted to proceed because there was a much higher chance of multiples and I said "bring it on!" Well, none of them took. So we did another round end of January and this time asked our family to fast with us. Because fertility treatments are hard. And emotional. And a financial burden. That round brought one perfectly ready follicle but again, no luck.
Of course in the middle of this cycle, the {crap} hit the fan. Our house will be ready in April and our down payment will be due. We did our taxes and turns out when you start making twice as much money as before (with two incomes vs one that we had had for so long while Dustin was in school), you have to change your tax exemptions or you owe (and you owe a lot). Again, due mid April. And then Dustin ruptured his Achilles playing basketball. Thankfully we didn't have to do surgery, saving us over $3000 that would also most likely be due in April, but it was still an added expense. Proof once again that things come in 3's.
So with all that was going on, I didn't feel like we could continue treatments at this time. Which sucks.
I distinctly remember when we were first trying to get pregnant, I had a conversation with a coworker who told me her sister finally adopted after trying to get pregnant for 7 years. And I thought to myself, "there's NO WAY I would wait that long to adopt!" Well guess what. It's been about 7 years. And guess what. Adoption isn't even on our radar. I know people are trying to be nice and friendly when they hear our story and then immediately ask if we are going to adopt, but it drives me crazy. I have nothing against adoption, but it has NEVER felt right. And with how hard adoption is, I can't feel good about investing that much emotionally and financially for something that doesn't feel right. You gotta be in the right mindset and I'm not. I'm so open about our infertility so I'd be open about our adoption plans too. So please. If you're wanting to ask, don't. And if we are going to adopt, I promise I'll let you know.
I wish I could say that I knew exactly what the plan is, but I don't. I'm tired of trying and failing. I'm tired of getting my hopes up on a good cycle only for the news to be bad. I'm tired of having to defend myself when people ask why we don't have kids or when we're going to start our family. It's hard guys. And I don't think I can emotionally handle it anymore. So I think I'm taking a break. A break from fertility treatments. At least for a little while. A break to work on myself and finding my zen. To find inner peace and really figure out what we're supposed to do. I know we're supposed to have a family, I just don't know when or how. We'll figure it out. And until then, I will work on me. Because that's all I can control. And because I need to be happy and willing to accept whatever the answer is.
So happy 7 years to us. To all we've gone through and all we will continue to go through in the next 7 years. It's not always easy but I'm so grateful that at the end of the day, I have my best friend and lover with me. And if it's just us forever, I can probably be ok with that. Because I really like him. And he makes me happy.
No comments:
Post a Comment