Pre-surgery, introducing Phyllis, and pie heaven

The AF hospital just called to do "pre-registration" for my surgery.  Because knowing my race is super important pre-surgery.  They also asked "how long have you had symptoms".  Um.... 5 years? I told her I didn't know, so she asked when I decided I wanted to get this surgery done.  As soon as my doctor said "WHOA, there's a giant polyp in your uterus!"  But I just said "3 weeks".  Cuz I think that's how long ago we scheduled it.  Only 2 days until surgery!  I really have no idea what to expect for this.  I have never been to the hospital for myself except when I went to the ER for miscarriage #3 (and that was so lame).  This whole surgery thing is new to me.  I'm imagining it to be like a D&C... except I've never had a D&C so if anyone has any thoughts on that....
I'm planning to be back to work on Friday but many people are telling me I won't be up for it.  So I guess we'll see how it goes.  The concept of being put out for surgery is so weird to me.  I keep asking Dustin what it's like.  Apparently you count backwards from 10, don't even make it to 1, and then the next thing you know, you're waking up and it's over.  Do you dream in surgery? Cuz I have some CRAZY dreams.
So when I told my boss I needed a day off for surgery, he said I should name my polyp.  I started thinking of the usual names that would go with a polyp- Paul, Polly, but they were too obvious.  I also couldn't decide if it was a boy or a girl until I was texting the ever-amazing Kenna.

She had the right words I needed to hear to make me laugh and cope with a difficult situation. (Thank you Kenna!)  So I'd like to introduce you to my polyp, Phyllis.

This is what I imagine Phyllis to be like.  The name Phyllis reminds me of Phyllis from The Office, who happens to be playing the voice of  Sadness in the new Pixar movie coming out this summer.  I just look at this character and think of how my polyp is just hanging out in my uterus, all sad like, taking up all the space and making everyone sad.
I am so ready to get rid of Phyllis.  How long has she been in there anyway??

Some days I'm pretty sure I'm the one making that face instead of Phyllis.  Visiting with a friend last week, she made a comment about how impressed she was that I stay so positive through all of this.  They too dealt with fertility issues for a long time before getting pregnant with their beautiful baby girl.  I kinda laughed and thought, "MAN! My posts are full of lies if I always seem so positive!"
Truthfully, I have a lot of anger inside of me.  I never ever ever said a swear word until 5 years ago, and now... well... swears happen.  I constantly am listening to the Spotify station "Deep Focus" to try to stay calm at work.  Of course, some days are good, but there are also bad days too. I've had a million angry prayers in the past 5+ years of infertility.  Sometimes I just don't want to go to church when I know there will be a bunch of pregnant mamas and adorable babies all staring at me wondering why we're childless. (Though my ward knows, I totally shared our infertility struggle over the pulpit when I introduced us to the ward in my talk in January, whatev).
Really, I'm just hanging in here, trying to cope with this the best I can.  What pulls me back to putting on a positive face is faith in the plan of salvation, the plan of happiness.  I've had a lot of friends and family who have left our church and I can understand where they're coming from.  But for me, this trial has kept me going to church.  I need to believe in a purpose for life.  I need to believe that a loving Heavenly Father is watching out for me, that He has a plan for me and ultimate knowledge of what is best for me, even if I have other plans for myself.  If in the end, there's nothing but a pile of dirt waiting for me and there's no afterlife, I'd rather have gone through life believing that there's more.  Believing that this all happens for a reason.  Believing that I can be with my loved ones forever.  If it's not true, then who cares, it doesn't matter.  But I like having purpose.  I like feeling that this life just isn't some crap hole that I'm supposed to suffer through.
And that's why I believe.  That's why I try to stay positive. 

“When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.”