Almost Perfect

I've been dreading writing this post for quite some time now, but I guess it's now or never so here goes.... Living the good life...

I've always said that I like odd numbers better than even numbers.... So with this year being 2011 and age 25, I knew it was bound to be an amazing year. Started out great with a good birthday, Boston work trip, Vegas anniversary, Phoenix racquetball nationals, Dustin's graduation, Cancun, and then a summer to work work work to save money for grad school. Of course, we still have good things going on this summer to look forward to-- family reunion in St. George for 4th of July, Portland trip mid July to find some where to live, East Canyon end of July, and then packing up in August and work work working some more! I'm excited to move to Portland this fall. It's a new adventure.

This year was going to be ending perfectly.... And here is where I wish my post could have gone something like this....

Definite positive April 18th

Happy Easter announcement!

10 week ultrasound

But I have to stop here and put more of what the picture at my 10 week ultrasound looked like....I know it's a super tiny picture and it's not even mine (they didn't let me keep any), but you can kinda see that at 10 weeks we found out that my baby wasn't going to be celebrating Christmas with us this year. Measuring 7 weeks. No heartbeat. This was my worst fear going to this appointment. Also, this appointment was the day before we left for our Mexico trip. Not great timing. To rule out any possibility that baby was just measuring small (and had no heartbeat?!?!), we scheduled a follow-up appointment for the next week.

I left for Mexico and was expecting to start bleeding at any second. Thankfully, that didn't happen and I was able to enjoy our vacation and just relax. The day after we got back, we went in for the follow-up and found that baby was still the same size, which is what I was expecting. It was definitely a miscarriage. I started bleeding the next day. Lucky for me, it wasn't painful. Then came blood test after blood test after blood test to make sure my HCG level was going down and that I was miscarrying it all.

With this miscarriage, I think it was a little bit easier for me to handle while I was going through it, as I was preparing for it for a week, instead of waking up with gushing blood one morning. But now.... I'm still having issues dealing with everything.... Especially when I keep hearing about all these other couples expecting a baby. I'm happy for them. But I'm completely jealous. And angry. And frustrated. And bitter. And trying to get over myself. It's hard. I know everyone has their own trials and everything, but I can't help but wish this wasn't mine.

This year would have seriously been the PERFECT year to end with a little one born in December. But now it's just almost perfect. It's still been good. And there are still good things to come in 2011/age 25. Maybe 3rd pregnancy will happen this year and will stick like a champ. I like odd numbers better anyway, right?

To help me cope with the loss and the pain and the hurt, with Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec (played by Amy Poehler) as my hero and role model, I have made a pros and cons list about having this miscarriage at this time. (I know, I know, I have serious mental issues) For every con, I'll list a pro. (not necessarily a pro that goes with the con, just something pro...)

Con: I miscarried at 11 weeks.

Pro: It only took 3 months (only 2 cycles!) to get pregnant again from the last miscarriage! I made it all the way to 11 weeks, which means I made it much further along so I'm progressing!

Con: I'm not having a baby in December

Pro: We can come home for Christmas! (except maybe not cuz grad school costs a bucketload... here's to hoping for a fantastic job out there! That's for another post though...)

Con: The shorts I bought for Mexico that I got one size too big so I could "grow into" them this summer totally don't fit any more. They are way too big.

Pro: Dustin was able to get the TV he wanted with his graduation money instead of a car seat, stroller, crib, and diapers x10. Also, I let us get iphones. i love my iphone.

Con: When we moved, I wasn't going to find a new job because a) who would want to hire someone 7 months prego and b) who would want to find a new job 7 months prego, knowing you're going to quit in 2 months?!? The con part is: now I have to find a job.

Pro: Because I'll find a job, we'll have money to survive... for at least the first year or so. After that we might starve/be homeless.

Con: Every time I look at a new baby or a pregnant woman, I get jealous.

Pro: I was able to handle Nathan and Adrienne and their new baby Elliott moving into the house while I was pregnant, and I grew to love Elliott instead of hate him because I wanted my own baby.

Con: I can't eat whatever I want any more and blame it on being pregnant.

Pro: Dustin and I have more time to spend together with just the two of us. I've said it a million bazillion times, but I'll say it again... I HAVE THE GREATEST HUSBAND EVER. And I'm the happiest when I get to spend time with just the two of us. I am so glad I get to be with him FOREVER.

I'll end with that pro cuz it's a good one. Am I ready to start trying again? Not really. Which is totally fine because we'll be moving in 3 months anyway and I will have time to settle in, get a new job, and get a good doctor who can hopefully add additional helps (progesterone/estrogen) and take good care of me. I don't want to end by saying that "every thing works out for the best" because honestly, this sucks. But I will end by saying that I am glad this year will be almost perfect because there is still the word perfect in it.