Talking about infertility has not always been easy for me. For a long time I was so mad at myself and my body for not working the way it is "suppose" to. It made me feel like I have a huge flaw that I can't fix on my own. And asking for help is not my strong point. I'm very independent and like to do things on my own. I even wear the pants in my marriage, there's no doubt about that. So going to a doctor for something that was supposed to be so easy was a huge struggle for me. And for a long time I was very angry at EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.
When we lived in Utah, I didn't tell many people of our struggles. Only our parents knew about our first pregnancy until I miscarried and then the rest of our families and a few friends were told. The second pregnancy went a little longer so by 8 weeks after my first doctor appointment, we told more people and then had to tell them that I had miscarried a few weeks later.
I hated telling people. I hated the sympathy. I felt like people just felt sorry for me. They probably did. They probably still do. But I'm ok. Things aren't always roses and rainbows, but I have worked through the anger and disappointment and have learned to be happy. Sometimes I have bad days and I let myself be sad or angry or whatever, because I'm HUMAN and we all feel that way sometimes. Opposition in all things, right?
When we moved to Portland I guess I figured I had a fresh start. We weren't trying to have kids right away since we had zero health insurance and as I talked to the sisters in my new ward, I was able to find a lot of support and similar experiences. There are a TON of women in my ward who have gone through infertility-- I don't feel so alone! In Utah all you see are millions of women having babies all the time. In Portland, people think it's crazy to have a baby so young. And most of the dear sisters in my ward who have younger kids had a battle with infertility.
Finding support through these sisters and others who have gone through infertility really gave me comfort. That's one of the main reasons I took my blog off from being private. I don't imagine I'll ever be able to have a blog as amazing as Kenna's (let's face it, I'm just not as amazing as Kenna with all she's gone through and is STILL going through!), but I want to be a means of support to others who are going through hard times. We all have a lot we can share and learn from each other.
Hopefully all my posts aren't depressing, but I hope that you can feel my sincerity and openness as I post about ALL the things that go on in our good life. That's right, this is still a good life! We have trials and opposition that come our way, but we can make it through them! I have no idea how fertility treatments will end for us. We might never be able to get pregnant! But we are hoping and praying and exercising faith that things will work out for the best.
And in the mean time, we'll enjoy this crazy adventure as best as we can. :)
So from the bottom of my heart,
THANK YOU.
I hope you stay tuned. I know I'm going to have to post about how this month goes now that I've explained opened it all up for discussion.
Fingers crossed it's good news.
4 comments:
Brianne,
I am so horrible at blogs - - but I saw your post on f.b. and hopped on over. I will pray for you guys. I am so sorry that you are facing this trial. I think you are pretty amazing! *HUGS* to you both.
-Amy
I think when someone is first facing infertility, it can be isolating for that reason - we isolate ourselves and our vision is skewed because ALL WE SEE ARE FERTILE WOMEN HAVING BABIES. Utah is probably the worst place to be, though. Ha ha. The birthrate in Utah has got to be ridiculously high. But anyways, I haven't always been open about my infertility... I think I was embarrassed by it or I didn't want to face it or something. But now I embrace it as just part of me. I'M GLAD YOU'RE OPENING UP! The support system is worth feeling vulnerable. Love you, girl! *crossing my fingers for good news!*
Our journey wasn't nearly as long, involved or hard as yours...but it wasn't easy, either! I so get the "living in Utah" thing and feeling like everyone can just have as many babies as they want whenever they want! Andrew had to ban me from blogs for a while when we were trying to get pregnant because all I would do is cry at hearing another friend was pregnant. Best of luck!
I remember a day at work when you and a coworker were talking about how many kids you wanted, down to the number of boys and girls, and I laughed angrily to myself thinking--you don't get to choose! At the time I just really wanted ONE. My 1 1/2 year journey is nothing compared to yours, but I can tell you that it genuinely opened my eyes and heart to the population of women who have struggled/are struggling with infertility. To this day, I am ALWAYS mindful of sisters like you when I prepare for a RS lesson that may be centered on family or an activity that is geared toward children, because I know how hard it was for me and I would never want anyone to feel less than they are. You are such a strength and so amazing. Thank you for sharing your journey--I think you will get a lot out of it as well as those who read! Love you!
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