Come what MAY and love it

May is already here.  How did it come so fast?!  April 17th marked my 90 days at work, which means that as of May 1st, I am now eligible to have health insurance through work.  It's actually REQUIRED for us to have health insurance at my work, and boy is it expensive!  So expensive that we can't afford for Dustin to have it too.  Seriously guys, it's that expensive.  So we'll just have to keep praying that he won't get injured or have cancer or anything serious like that.  Cuz then we'd be screwed.

But it's time to get real for a minute... or a couple depending on how long this blog post ends up being.  Now that I am health insured, that means we could potentially get back on the baby making bandwagon.  I've kinda avoided this topic for a little while now, but reading all the posts from amazing Kenna's blog for national infertility week got me thinking more about what our next step is, and that I should probably write out my feelings. I don't know if people have been wondering when or if we'd start trying again, and it's been a while since I've posted anything about baby making...  So here goes...

I surprisingly have mixed feelings about trying to get pregnant right now.  When we were trying before and on fertility treatments, it's what I wanted more than anything.  A year ago we were announcing to family and a few friends that we were pregnant.  The last time I went to an OBGYN was for my ultrasound to see how little baby was doing... and little baby was not doing so well.  I miscarried at 11 weeks (baby had only grown to 7 weeks), and since then, we haven't been trying.  We knew that moving to Portland would mean no insurance for a little while until I got a job and made it through my 90 days, and we didn't want to start fertility treatments with no insurance. 

Well, one job, 90 days, and health insurance coverage later, I am not sure what I want to do.  There are many factors that go into this, some selfish, some out of petty fears and some out of scary fears.

The past year has been so. freaking. nice.  Not worrying about trying to get pregnant has given me some good mental health.  Trying to get pregnant is hard.  I never thought it would be so hard.  Especially emotionally.  It sucks to get negative pregnancy tests over and over and over again.  And then to get a positive test but go to your ultrasound only to hear bad news.  It not only takes a physical toll, but it takes a heck-of-an emotional toll on you too.  I've reached the point where I can say that I am genuinely happy for others to announce they are pregnant without secretly being ENRAGED on the inside and wanting to bawl my eyes out because I wasn't pregnant.  Every pregnancy announcement on facebook, every woman on the street with a big old pregnant belly was so hard to look at when I was feeling like a failure with my own fertility.  I am happy with where I am in my life right now.  Maybe it's the Portland air where I'd be the crazy one to have children "so young", but it's definitely been nice to not have the pressure that we need to bust out 5 kids right this second.

Having this time with Dustin to do whatever we want, whenever we want to do it has been so great.  We've paid off the car, gone on some fun little weekend trips, and have many more that we'd like to do.  It's so much easier financially to not have a baby while Dustin's in school.  It's so nice to have "us" time before kids take up every second of your life.  Like I said, I have selfish reasons as to why I'm not sure how I want to proceed with trying again.  They're not really good reasons to not try for a baby, and I know I'd change my mind set real fast if we had a pregnancy enter the equation, and really, I'm sure I'd be ecstatic to get pregnant.  But these things do cross my mind.

Some petty fears I have are that my kids will be CRAZY.  The kids in my ward out here are out of control.  They frighten me.  I have no idea why all children in the world are all of a sudden so crazy, and I'd love to think that my children will be angels, but what if they're CRAZY?!  Can I handle having a crazy child?  Will I be able to teach it and discipline it so they will learn to choose the right and be obedient and respectful?  The idea of parenting is all of a sudden so terrifying. What if I screw up my children?  I feel like most people are scared of the idea of being responsible of teaching small humans to grow up and develop into capable big humans.  It's a petty fear, nothing to hold back trying for a baby, but it's still in the back of my mind.

And then my scary fears.  Honestly, I am scared of the possibility of not being able to get pregnant and keep the pregnancy. What if my infertility isn't temporary?  What if I'm never going to get pregnant?  Never ever ever?  I know that adoption is so INCREDIBLE and if we are never able to have children biologically, we will be able to have our own children through adoption.  I'm just not ready to face that reality though.  So if I don't start trying to get pregnant, then I don't have to start worrying about the possibility of never being able to be pregnant and carry a child full term, right?  I'm just scared of the unknown of my fertility. 

I'm in a safe space right now where I am enjoying my life and my husband and while my heart yearns for a baby of my own, I am scared at the possibility of getting pregnant and also the possibility of not getting pregnant.  It's a tricky place to be in, but I know I just need to muster up the strength, courage, and especially FAITH to move forward. 

Time will only tell and we will be praying an awful lot about it.  I did set up an annual exam June 1st with a new OBGYN out here in Portland and we will discuss my infertility with him and go from there.  Maybe this summer we will have some happy news to share.  But maybe not.  I'll keep you posted as my thoughts/feelings change.

Until then, just know that Dustin and I are so happy and will keep on taking life's challenges as they come.  Come what may and love it.