Pre-surgery, introducing Phyllis, and pie heaven

The AF hospital just called to do "pre-registration" for my surgery.  Because knowing my race is super important pre-surgery.  They also asked "how long have you had symptoms".  Um.... 5 years? I told her I didn't know, so she asked when I decided I wanted to get this surgery done.  As soon as my doctor said "WHOA, there's a giant polyp in your uterus!"  But I just said "3 weeks".  Cuz I think that's how long ago we scheduled it.  Only 2 days until surgery!  I really have no idea what to expect for this.  I have never been to the hospital for myself except when I went to the ER for miscarriage #3 (and that was so lame).  This whole surgery thing is new to me.  I'm imagining it to be like a D&C... except I've never had a D&C so if anyone has any thoughts on that....
I'm planning to be back to work on Friday but many people are telling me I won't be up for it.  So I guess we'll see how it goes.  The concept of being put out for surgery is so weird to me.  I keep asking Dustin what it's like.  Apparently you count backwards from 10, don't even make it to 1, and then the next thing you know, you're waking up and it's over.  Do you dream in surgery? Cuz I have some CRAZY dreams.
So when I told my boss I needed a day off for surgery, he said I should name my polyp.  I started thinking of the usual names that would go with a polyp- Paul, Polly, but they were too obvious.  I also couldn't decide if it was a boy or a girl until I was texting the ever-amazing Kenna.

She had the right words I needed to hear to make me laugh and cope with a difficult situation. (Thank you Kenna!)  So I'd like to introduce you to my polyp, Phyllis.

This is what I imagine Phyllis to be like.  The name Phyllis reminds me of Phyllis from The Office, who happens to be playing the voice of  Sadness in the new Pixar movie coming out this summer.  I just look at this character and think of how my polyp is just hanging out in my uterus, all sad like, taking up all the space and making everyone sad.
I am so ready to get rid of Phyllis.  How long has she been in there anyway??

Some days I'm pretty sure I'm the one making that face instead of Phyllis.  Visiting with a friend last week, she made a comment about how impressed she was that I stay so positive through all of this.  They too dealt with fertility issues for a long time before getting pregnant with their beautiful baby girl.  I kinda laughed and thought, "MAN! My posts are full of lies if I always seem so positive!"
Truthfully, I have a lot of anger inside of me.  I never ever ever said a swear word until 5 years ago, and now... well... swears happen.  I constantly am listening to the Spotify station "Deep Focus" to try to stay calm at work.  Of course, some days are good, but there are also bad days too. I've had a million angry prayers in the past 5+ years of infertility.  Sometimes I just don't want to go to church when I know there will be a bunch of pregnant mamas and adorable babies all staring at me wondering why we're childless. (Though my ward knows, I totally shared our infertility struggle over the pulpit when I introduced us to the ward in my talk in January, whatev).
Really, I'm just hanging in here, trying to cope with this the best I can.  What pulls me back to putting on a positive face is faith in the plan of salvation, the plan of happiness.  I've had a lot of friends and family who have left our church and I can understand where they're coming from.  But for me, this trial has kept me going to church.  I need to believe in a purpose for life.  I need to believe that a loving Heavenly Father is watching out for me, that He has a plan for me and ultimate knowledge of what is best for me, even if I have other plans for myself.  If in the end, there's nothing but a pile of dirt waiting for me and there's no afterlife, I'd rather have gone through life believing that there's more.  Believing that this all happens for a reason.  Believing that I can be with my loved ones forever.  If it's not true, then who cares, it doesn't matter.  But I like having purpose.  I like feeling that this life just isn't some crap hole that I'm supposed to suffer through.
And that's why I believe.  That's why I try to stay positive. 

“When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.”

Water Ultrasound

 

 I've been wondering how to do this post.  Remember how I was worried I'd have to share terrible news instead of good news? That's usually what seems to happen for me.  I'm ready to share that happy ending, but this post is not that post.  After reading my patriarchal blessing, I felt that it was important to continue posting about our journey, even (and especially) the bad news.
The water ultrasound last Tuesday showed a giant polyp in my uterus.  Like giant.  So big that even if a good embryo were to make it's way down, it would be kicked off by this bully of a polyp. This will require surgery called a hysteroscopy, which, as of this morning, is scheduled for Thursday April 16th.  It is a same day surgery that will be the American Fork hospital and then we can try an IUI the following cycle in May.  The doctor gave me a pamphlet about it and said, "This is what a polyp looks like, but yours is more this size".

Do you see it- what he penned in? No? Here you go:

Now do you see it?  That giant black line that is the polyp taking over my uterus? I told you I hate my uterus.  I have no idea how long that thing has been in there, but if it's been a while, it could be what has been causing my miscarriages. 

I cried myself to sleep that night.  I was so hopeful that all would go smoothly- that we'd get pregnant with twins this month and be able to be happy with our Christmas babies and life would be perfect.  With not being able to do an IUI until May, my hopes of a baby by 30 are shot.
I know that it's good to get this taken care of and I'm so glad that he found it before we went further and had another miscarriage, but it was still a big loss for me.  I felt like Rachel from the Bible in my prayers that night when she said "Give me children, or else I die!" Wednesday I woke up and did some scripture reading to find comfort, especially the story of Rachel.  "And God remembered Rachel".  I know I need to be patient and that my timeline is not His timeline and that I need to trust in Him.  The hymn above was sung in sacrament meeting the Sunday before the water ultrasound and it gave me comfort in my faith.  I also found comfort reading through my patriarchal blessing that night. I don't share it with many people, but I thought this was important. 
"I bless you in your ability to overcome adversity, to deal well with illness, with any kind of physical disability that you may feel is a problem in your life.  I bless you to be strong and healthy.  I bless you to go forward, understanding, and knowing that any difficulties that come will help you, are for your strength and growth, and will be for your good.  I bless you to help others in their difficulties and challenges, that by your example they may know that all things work together for our good when we are obedient to the commandments, when we put our faith and trust in the Lord, Jesus Christ."  I have been promised that I will be a mother in Zion and I know this will happen when it is the right time.  I just wish it was now.  Hopefully I can help someone else find comfort and encouragement in their journey and struggles.
With any chance of getting pregnant still 2 months out, I decided to get the MMR booster shot (might as well) and took care of that Friday. We stopped eating Whole30 and even Paleo this month because it's a lot of work and my brain can only handle one thing at a time.  I'm going to start Whole30 again the day after Easter and try to stick with it for 2 months until we are able to try for IUI again. 
Hopefully this surgery will be the last missing piece to our struggle and  with combined efforts of the IUI we will be able to make and keep a baby!

I hate my uterus

So we are currently underway for our IUI this month.  I started my period on vacation but made it back in time for the baseline ultrasound.  I started on Femara and we are scheduled for a water ultrasound to check out my uterus next Tuesday.  Then we have the follicle ultrasound next Wednesday to see how we're looking and if there are any developing follicles.  I received meds in the mail today for a shot of Brevelle, HCG, and progesterone suppositories.  This is really happening! They also did some bloodwork at my baseline ultrasound and called back with the results today saying that I am not immune to Rubella so they recommend getting a booster shot or I can sign a waiver saying that I recognize the risks or something like that.  If I got the booster shot, I would have to wait another 4 weeks before trying to get pregnant.  I'm all for vaccinations, but I am all set for the IUI this month and don't want to wait.  They've taken my money, if they wanted me to do this booster shot, they should have tested when I was there last month for my consultation and took some blood!  The way I see it, no normal couple checks for infectious diseases like Rubella before trying to get pregnant, so we're just about the same as everyone else, right?
This period this month has been a super crappy one.  I'm pretty sure every woman hates her period, but I find it seriously unfair to have crappy periods when you don't ovulate and are wanting to get pregnant.  I've had some horrible cramping and have been angry with how angry my uterus is.  Here's to hoping that it's the last period in a while!
I'm really hopeful for this cycle but also very nervous and scared that it's not going to work.  We're putting a lot into this and it's all out of our hands.  We are doing an awful lot of praying and fasting and thank you for your thoughts and prayers too.  In the mean time I'll start sending my uterus happy vibes and try to not worry too much.
I have mixed feelings about sharing everything about our fertility.  In a way, it's good for me to share so I feel like I'm not alone in this, that our family and friends are here to support us.  At the same time, it's hard for me to share because what if things don't work out, and then everyone knows our business.  What if it does work out and I'm not ready to share the results.  Because 3 miscarriages makes you hesitant to announce a pregnancy on the day you find out.  And a negative result will not be what I'll want to come home and blog about to the world.  Because telling everyone the timing of your cycle and the exact moment of conception is is not socially norm.  Because talking about sex and sperm and periods and uteruses and getting knocked up has been somewhat taboo in our culture.  It makes things a little awkward, but I'm hoping that the outcome is more rewarding than keeping it all to myself.  
Sending those happy uterus vibes now... they might need it for the water ultrasound coming up.

Fertility Specialist and a diagnosis

Nicole had her baby the day before we went to the specialist.  Here is Avalee Dawn Cook, newest niece!

After having a horrible experience with our fertility specialist in Portland (super condescending, expensive, and uncaring), I was a bit nervous to go back to a fertility specialist.  I had heard lots of good things about Dr. Foulk at the Utah Fertility Center and he didn't disappoint!
We went over the TONS of labwork and tests we had done before as well as my fertility history, all of which showed that we both checked out on paper.  Dr. Foulk went over the 5 main reasons for miscarriages since that has been a big problem for me.  One of the reasons I could be miscarrying would be due to abnormalities of the uterus.  You'd think that would come up in all the ultrasounds or the HSG that I've done, but I guess not.  Next month we will do a water ultrasound that will test for any possibilities such as a polyp, fibroid, or septum.  If nothing is found, we will move forward with an IUI.  If there is something wrong like a septum, we will need to do surgery first. 
My appointment was on cycle day 8 so we did an ultrasound to see if there were any developing follicles as I have been on clomid and took the rest that I had this cycle.  Dr. Foulk agreed that if there was something going on, we might as well not miss this cycle!  There was a follicle developing on the right ovary and also a bigger one on the left ovary, but it was oddly shaped so he said it probably wasn't a good follicle.  As we looked at the left ovary there were a few other egg looking things, which at my Portland specialist, she said they were other eggs developing, just not as big as the main one.  Dr. Foulk looked at it and said, "oh yes, there are some cysts, which is common with PCOS." And I said "WAIT! You're saying I have PCOS?!"  He probably thought I was crazy and that this was obvious, but I explained to him that every doctor I've been too said that I DIDN'T have PCOS, even when I asked them about it.  He was surprised that the specialist in Portland didn't give me that diagnosis and I told him that she not only said I don't have PCOS, she told me that I ovulate because I have a period every month.  Which I knew wasn't true but when the "specialist" that you're paying tons of money to see tells you you're crazy, you start to think you're crazy, even if I know my body well.  I've been wondering for YEARS if I have PCOS but have always been told no, even though I have many of the symptoms.  It was kind of a relief to hear that yes, I do legitimately have this issue that is causing my infertility instead of it remaining unexplained.  In our consultation before the ultrasound, Dr. Foulk told us that the reason we're not getting pregnant is because I don't ovulate.  So take that Dr. B. in Portland!
They took some blood (only 1 vial, woot!) for some bloodwork to check my estrogen levels and figure out if that follicle would be a good one or not and we could do an IUI this month.  The bloodwork came back indicating that it's not a good egg and probably just a cyst so we'll wait until next month.
Dr. Foulk started me on Metformin to help balance my hormones and insulin resistance caused by the PCOS. I asked previous doctors about taking Metformin and they never wanted to prescribe me with it.  So I was happy that he suggested it himself without me even having to ask.  I'll be calling them back on Day 1 to get set up for an IUI and the water ultrasound.  We'll be using Brevelle (FSH stimulant), an HCG trigger shot, the IUI, and progesterone suppositories.  So we have a real plan!!!
I'm excited to make this happen and I feel good about working with Dr. Foulk. He knows what he's talking about and it makes sense to me with all my suspicions about my infertility.  I'm also happy that we'll do the progesterone to help against miscarrying too.
Fingers crossed that next month will be a success!

Hey, it could happen!

I started writing this post in January... and now it's February... but not too late for resolutions and goals for the year, right?
I saw that Stephanie Southerland's motto for 2015 is "Hey! It could happen!" and I knew I had to steal it.
That's how I feel about 2015.  There are so many things we are hoping and praying and working on to make happen. I know they can't all happen (we probably can't buy a trip to Hawaii AND a new car AND a house AND a baby), but hey, it could happen.  Especially if Dustin can start making incentives at work with more patients.  And we'll see what we can do to make it happen.  There is a lot of potential for this year.

Here are the Creer resolutions for 2015:

•  Career: Dustin is loving his job and growing his patient base.  Of course, he could always use more patients.  If we can start making incentives this summer, we will be sitting pretty by the end of the year.  Our goal for him is to have a full schedule by the end of the year.  I'm just hoping to learn to love my job and then quit when Dustin's making the big bucks.  I'm working on trying to happy in this stage of life.  It can be tough sometimes when this job is really not what I want to be doing, but I'm working on it.
• Family: WE NEED TO GET A BABY STAT.  Seriously, I'm going crazy here.  I'm on the 4th month of clomid and so far it hasn't worked.  No detected ovulation the past three months.  I've also been on the supplements from Dr. Nielsen but I stopped taking the Vitex.  It's also called Chastetree because it KILLS your libido.  Add that to clomid's side effects and there is pretty much no desire to get it on.  With no gettin' it on, there's no baby.  So I stopped it.  We are meeting with a specialist at the Utah Fertility Center on the 20th.  I'm not sure what they'll want to do, but I'm willing to try IUI again and IVF if needed.  I just want to get a party started in my uterus ASAP (as my friend Alice Anne put it). :)
• Health: We completed a round of Whole30 in January and it was great! I lost 10 pounds, Dustin lost 15 (dang those boys losing weight so easily)! We wanted to transition to an every day lifestyle and it promptly went to crap when the new sushi restaurant opened in Heber and my coworker picked that as her birthday lunch choice.  After that it went downhill over the weekend so we are starting another round of Whole30 today.  We will finish just before we leave for an Anniversary trip to Arizona.  I also want to get us exercising more.  I'd love to join a gym but they are kinda pricey here.  Just Dance will have to cut it until we get a little more moolah.  But maybe my goal should be to get a gym membership.  We're dreaming big here people haha.
•  Wealth: I'd love to buy a house this year, and a car with 4 wheel drive before next winter.  And SAVE.  I'd also like to get student loans paid down as much as we can.  We'll have to start paying Dustin's loans next month and I'm nervous to know how much those payments will be.  I can't wait for his incentives at work to start!  Our definite goal is to get money saved and a down payment for a house.
• Spirit: I'd like to read the Book of Mormon from cover to cover again.  I've become a slacker in my scripture reading.  I'm loving teaching our Sunday School class with Dustin and I have a goal this year to make it on time to church with our lesson ready and the Relief Society lesson read.
• Vacation: We didn't make it to Hawaii last year so I have vowed that we will go this year! With us both working and saving, we should be able to do it.  We are excited for a little mini vacation to Arizona in March to visit our friends the Clawsons and spend a night in Vegas on the way back.  We will be staying at The Bellagio with a fountain view room and I'm excited to check that off the bucket list!  While in Vegas we'll also catch a visit with Jeanette and Natalie.  

So there you have it, our 2015 goals.  We're hoping to thrive this year and find happiness every day.
Here's to making it happen!

Lab work Results

I feel so inadequate writing this post because I really don't fully understand the labwork results.  Anyone who thinks that chiropractors are quacks should meet with Dr. Jared Nielsen.  He is the smartest physician I've ever met and explained things we've been wondering for the past 5 years but no one has either known how to answer or run the correct tests to answer.  We are so lucky that he hired Dustin.  Of course smart people hire other smart people so... of course he would hire Dustin. :)
The results of my bloodwork showed some pretty serious things.  I might be saying them all wrong, but here's what we understand:
1. I have Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism.  We already knew I have hypothyroidism, but Hashimoto's is an autoimmune disorder of the thyroid antibodies (which had never been tested in me before).  The thyroid antibodies attack my thyroid, which is why it doesn't work right. 
2. My liver isn't doing it's job very well.  It's not filtering the toxins or something like that... which it makes me insulin resistant.  Which leads to...
3. I am hypoglycemic.  My body does not process insulin correctly.  I have too much insulin but my body doesn't respond to it and process it to get rid of the sugars.  Instead it just pumps out more insulin and stores the sugar.  So even if I were to live on a teeny tiny calorie diet, I would still gain weight.  It causes me to crave sugar because my body thinks it's low. Because it is low...
4. I am microcytic anemic.  Which means I'm not anemic because I have plenty of red blood cells, but they are very small in size.  Because of this they don't absorb iron or oxygen.  I have poor oxygen and carbon dioxide exchange which causes me to fatigue quickly with exertion. 
5. These things together cause me to be estrogen dominant.  In a normal cycle, there are 4 waves of hormones releases.  It starts with FSH in the beginning which signals the ovaries to start growing a mature egg.  Then estrogen rises before the LH surge which triggers the release of the mature egg.  After this, progesterone takes over to keep the uterus from shedding it's lining.  If the egg is fertilized, it will burrow it's way into the lining, releasing HCG and the corpus luteum will keep pumping out the progesterone until the placenta can take over.  If this doesn't happen, the corpus luteum dies and you get your period.  In my case, instead of having an LH surge, my hypothyroidism also produces an increase in prolactin which inhibits the surge and progesterone, and I don't ovulate.  But somehow I still have a monthly period so really, that's not fair. 
6. My body is in constant stress due to high cortisol levels from my Reverse T3 Serum that is high.  This explains why I get anxiety and overwhelmed at times. 

The good news is that all of these are treatable.  There are some supplements Dr. Nielsen would like me to be on to help treat my liver, which we think might be the main cause of insulin resistance and would help everything else out.  But since I am currently mid cycle on a round of clomid, he would like to wait until after we find out if this cycle is successful or not.
We are currently waiting on a blinking smiley face OPK which indicates  my estrogen rise and we are hoping to get that solid smiley face in the next few days to show that the clomid worked and I am ovulating this cycle.

In the mean time, I have started on some other supplements.
Nattokinase is to help with an antibody that is hanging out in my body from previous pregnancies.  This can cause scar tissue to build on my uterus, preventing a placenta to be able to attach. 
AdrenaCalm is a gentle, soothing cream with herbs and nutrients to support stress response through adrenal management.  It should help with my high cortisol levels and calm me down. 
Chaste Tree/Vitex is to help regulate my cycle and help with ovulation.
Inositol is used for treating conditions associated with PCOS including failure to ovulate, and high triglycerides.
X-Viromin is to increase the performance of white blood cells which will help with my autoimmune disorder.  Also, my blood worked showed I have systemic inflammation and this will help with that.
Glutathione is an antioxidant shot I'll get once a week for 6 weeks to help my liver and systemic inflammation.
Vitamin D, Fish Oil, and Glutathione are things I'll need to take for the rest of my life with Hashimoto's.
And of course, a daily prenatal.

The other big part of this solution is diet.  And guess what is recommended?  No sugar or caffeine, and eating lots of veggies, fruit, and meats.  Basically Whole30.  So at least we are happy with that and have seen the benefits from living a Whole30 life.  We were going to wait until after the holidays to get back onto a hard core Whole30 routine, but i guess this means we'll be starting back on it sooner than later.  I also need to eat breakfast every morning and should not be fasting due to the hypoglycemia.  It causes my body to stress, shake, and get really fatigued.  So, sorry first Sunday of the month... Doctor's orders. 

If the clomid doesn't take this month and we don't get pregnant, we will hold off on doing another round for a few months while we get my liver in check and everything else in check too so that I can be the healthiest me for a successful pregnancy.  Hopefully it doesn't take too long. :)

Back on the Meds

It's now been 5 years of infertility.  It's been 2 whole years since we went to the specialist (that I hated) in Portland.  Almost 2 years since my last miscarriage.  The last thing we did for my infertility was over a year ago when I did an HSG (the dye test) which once again revealed that everything looked just fine.   My infertility is unexplained.  All my tests come back normal.  But still, we just can't get a baby in me. 
Before I left Portland I had a visit with my lady doctor and he asked if we wanted to get started back on Clomid.  I said sure, knowing that I wouldn't start on it until after the move, but we were able to stock up on 6 months worth while on my previous insurance. 

In October I started back on Clomid and while my BBTs looked great and showed a definite pattern of ovulation, no baby for us.  We'll see how this month goes, but so far I'm not crossing my fingers.  I have added OPKs to this cycle too so we're doing all we can to optimize our chances!
The sad thing about getting back on Clomid is that this just means that I should be ovulating much better.  This puts us back in the range of "normal" couples which gives us still only a 20% chance of conception.  We've had luck getting pregnant with Clomid before, but we still have to figure out why they don't stick.  I'm pretty sure that the second I find out I'm pregnant I will call up my old doc here in Utah and ask to be put on progesterone and start on baby Aspirin.  Anything to help it work. 
We are also trying out a few other things to help with the process.  First, we are working on implementing Whole30 ALL the time.  Or at least most of the time.  We feel so much better when we eat clean and the food you eat can really affect your hormones.  With starting a new job, I have done a crappy job of making every meal Whole30.  We usually get one or two compliant meals a day, but definitely not completely clean.  The Whole9 group has recommended NOT doing a Whole30 during the holidays so I think we'll pick it back up hard core at the beginning of the year.  Life was so much easier to exercise and eat healthy when that's all I had to do all day!

I'm also trying out essential oils.  I do not think they can cure my infertility, but I think that they can at least help with my moods while on Clomid.  Clomid makes a lady CrAzY and I have found that these few cycles back on the meds I have been a little less crazy.  I really think that the essential oils have helped with that.  There are a few others I am going to try that help with ovulation and hormones so fingers crossed that I can become one of those essential oil loving people.  For now I'm still figuring out if I like them or not.

I did some blood work last week (ok, a LOT of bloodwork) for Dr. Nielsen, the chiropractor that Dustin works for.  He's done a lot of work with couples to help them achieve pregnancies that last so I am excited to see what he says when we meet with him this week and to get a plan going.  Dr. Nielsen does a lot of natural supplements so we'll see what he recommends. 

Hopefully we can get a baby in me that will STAY in me (for the regular nine months of course) and I can have a little one by the time I hit 30.  I know I shouldn't put a timeline on things, but I feel like I'm getting so old and just want to be able to start my family.  So many of my friends are done having kids and it seems so weird since we haven't even started yet.
Of course, moving to a new ward I get a lot of the "do you have any kids?" questions.  And when I say no it's followed by "and how long have you been married?"  Does it really matter how long we've been married?  Or are they just trying to find something in common with me when kids aren't in the picture?  The last time someone asked I just told them we were infertile.  Then they felt sorry for me.  So I don't know how to best answer the question but I think it's just easier to tell people and get the awkwardness out of the way. 
I feel like it's getting really close to the right timing for us to have a baby, but it's hard to say when it will really happen.  If nothing takes on these 6 months of Clomid, we'll probably go to a specialist in the spring.  We might have to do more IUIs, and maybe even IVF.  I just hate the thought of putting so much money into IVF and then have it miscarry.  With unexplained infertility we really don't know what the problem is so we are just trying out all angles possible.  We've fasted and prayed about adoption and it hasn't felt right.  As always, prays are welcome our way.  Maybe soon we can post that we are expecting a little miracle.