Hello there

Hello there.

It's been a while.  And while I could insert all sorts of lame excuses at this time, the truth is that things have been really hard for me.
2013 was all about kicking it in the face and making it epic.  And I think we did a pretty good job.  But it kicked back.  October through December was really really hard for me.  Sometimes I would just melt down and cry and all I could say to Dustin was, "I'm just having a really hard time."  That's the only way I knew how to put it.
Maybe it was the weather. Maybe it was the stresses of work and school and feeling like I couldn't see Dustin very much. Maybe it knowing that we had gone a full year with no form of fertility treatment and there was no progression. Maybe it was Satan. Maybe I was too depressed to continue my healthy lifestyle and therefore started gaining weight back. Maybe I am psychotic and mentally unstable.
Probably all of the above.
All in all, the end of the year was really hard for me.  I've thought of so many different blog posts I've been meaning to write. I wrote them all in my head a dozen times or so, just never on here.  How do you tell the internet world that you're having a hard time? That you're struggling but you're not sure with what? How do you let yourself open up and be vulnerable?  But yet at the same time share all the amazing and fun experiences you're having? Because we did some really great stuff. Just seemed to contradict each other.
I've been vulnerable before and it was hard, but there were rewards that came with it.
So here I am now, ready to talk (kinda).  I will probably not post all the things I originally wanted to post at the end of the year.  I will post dates of the month because I want to remember those.  There may be other posts to catch up on here and there.
I don't intend to make it a goal this year to increase my blogging.  At tithing settlement in December my Bishop encouraged us to journal.  I got a daily planner and have committed myself to write each day. I love that I just have a page to write each day. I hated journaling before because I felt like I had to write some epic life experience for posterity to read and learn or laugh about.  But now I'm just writing about the day- what we did, ate, watched, read,etc. And I'm enjoying it.  It's real life.  So instead of increasing blogging, I'm increasing personal journaling.  And we'll take it from there.
I've felt happier this month.  Maybe it's the journaling. Maybe it's the unusual January sunshine. Maybe it's cuz I made it through 2013. Maybe it's because this is the year of graduation and I can see a light at the end of the grad school tunnel.  Maybe it's because I'm learning to be happy with myself.
Probably all of the above.
So here's to getting through those really hard days and making each real life boring day a good one.