The Story of My Life

The Story of my life could be summed up in one word: PATIENCE. This is something I've been needing to blog about for a while but I don't know if I just haven't been ready or if I still can't admit to myself that my life has issues and I'm not perfect. It's probably a combination of things, but here goes:

It all started out sophomore year of college. I got a father's blessing at the beginning of the school year as we typically do in my family, but this father's blessing let me know that there was something I needed to learn and work on: PATIENCE. It was repeated over and over and over again. Let's fast forward a bit (cuz I was being patient) to summer before senior year. Enter: Dustin. We started dating the summer of 2007 and by October of 2007 I knew that I wanted to marry this man. Again, we bring in the PATIENCE. Dustin and I dated off and on for the next while... I graduated from BYU, moved to Santa Barbara for the summer, came home, we got serious again (as we did off and on), and then Dustin broke up with me. I told him it was the final time. The only way I would ever be dating him again is if he came with a ring. Of course this devastated me because I KNEW that I was supposed to marry this kid. What was his problem?! We stayed friends (as we always did) and finally by October 2008, it clicked in Dustin's mind that this was right. Now, as I mentioned above, I knew a FULL YEAR earlier than he did. Most Utah Valley couples are married and have a CHILD in this amount of time. If that's not patience, I don't know what is! Dustin proposed December 23rd 2008 and we started our happily ever after March 14, 2009.

So then I thought that my days of PATIENCE were over. I'd learned my lesson, time for something new, right? Wrong. Of course. Dustin and I always knew that we didn't want to wait terribly long to start our family. So I was never on birth control. Didn't try to hard to stop anything, but nothing ever really happened so it wasn't a real issue. October 2009 we decided it was time to actually start trying to get pregnant. (what's up with us and October? Really don't know...) Month by month passed... no positive pregnancy test. By August 2010 I was really frustrated with this. I knew that if a couple has been trying for a year and not gotten pregnant, they are then classified as infertile. I never thought I'd have this issue as my parents were super fertile (unfortunately fertility is not a genetic trait for obvious reasons) and I've always had regular periods. I called my OBGYN as I was over due for a yearly exam anyway and he didn't sound very optimistic for me. I bawled my eyes out. Seriously devastated. We met with him in September and he let me know that he didn't think I was ovulating, therefore not getting pregnant so we were officially classified as INFERTILE. Hello PATIENCE, nice to have you back.

I never in a million trillion years would have thought that I would be infertile. It's still hard sometimes for me to accept. That there is something wrong with my body that goes against my divine nature. It's definitely hard to see everyone around me getting pregnant without even trying. It's hard to hear about 16 year old girls who get pregnant, women who beat/kill their babies, etc. I would be the best freaking mother in the world. Scratch that, I WILL be the best mother in the world.

So as with infertile couples go, we were told that I would do three months of clomid. If we didn't get pregnant in three months, then we'd do another three months (higher dosage?), and if THAT didn't work, then we'd do testing on Dustin's swimmers and a dye test to make sure there aren't any blockages in me. Three months at a time gave me a realistic time frame to not go crazy. I could take a three month outlook. But again, that's three more months of having PATIENCE.... waiting each month to see if we'll finally be lucky.

October was the first month and I felt like it went well. It seemed like my bbt were rising correctly, indicating ovulation, and therefore (hopefully) producing a baby. But it was a no go. November was the second month and I thought, man, this month should be a breeze, no concerns, I should ovulate on time, etc. Then it turned into MADNESS at work (as it has been lately) and I ovulated late, but then mid December we got this:

A positive. I knew I couldn't be crazy and reading it wrong since it said flat out "Pregnant." I was definitely shocked and it felt so surreal. Dustin and I were so excited and couldn't wait to tell our parents (because they knew we had been trying for so long and we wanted/needed their extra prayers!), so we did. We were making Christmas sugar cookies for piano recital and made a gingerbread mommy, gingerbread daddy, and gingerbread baby for both sets of our parents. It was adorable and so ME. (Dustin gets credit for the idea though, he came up with it). My parents got it right away and cried with me. Dustin's dad picked it right up but it took his mom a couple mins. She was just excited for cookies. Hahaha. When she got it, she screamed with excitement (as I thought she would) and was so so so excited. This would make her a grandma, first grandbaby for Dustin's side.

The next week was exciting and weird and I just wanted to tell everyone, but knew that I shouldn't yet. Which is a good thing. Because my lesson in PATIENCE was not quite over yet. A week after our positive, I started bleeding. Not good if you're supposed to be pregnant. I called my doc and he said I would need to get a blood test for my HCG level and then repeat the test in 48 hours to see if the level dropped. Which it did. I miscarried at 6 weeks. It was heart breaking because we'd waiting so long for that positive, but at the same time I was renewed with HOPE. Because we knew it was POSSIBLE. We could get pregnant.

When we were told I wasn't ovulating, I feared for the worst- that we'll never get pregnant. Ever. Because not all couples can. But this positive meant that we CAN get pregnant. We might need some help from the clomid, but it's a possibility for us. And that was a HUGE comfort. Maybe my lesson in PATIENCE will be a never ending one. There will always be trials coming along my way where I'll need to have more PATIENCE. But I am so grateful for experiences that give me HOPE. That my patience and faith and prayers are not in vain. Dustin's patriarchal blessing is very clear that we will be able to have children through our union when the time is right. So maybe the timing for us isn't right right now, and Heavenly Father just wanted me to know that it will be some time because it IS possible for us. I'm grateful for that lesson and my PATIENCE has a new friend called HOPE.

For so much time now I have been avoiding doing things because "we might get pregnant," and of course that still applies, we might indeed get pregnant, but I have learned that I need to live my life and enjoy it in the moment. We might get pregnant but we might not. When the timing is right, it will happen. But for now I'm just going to be happy with my life. I'm going to work at my job and appreciate that I can have a job that provides an income with benefits and flexibility at this point of my life. I'm going to go on my vacation to Cancun in May and not worry about the "what ifs" of the possibility of being pregnant. I'm going to be a good wife to my husband. I'm going to get my body healthy and in shape. I'm just going to LIVE because that's all I can do. I don't know what the next few months will bring, but I will be happy with whatever comes. Come what may and love it. And I will always work on my PATIENCE but put it with HOPE and HAPPINESS. Because that's what life is for. And that's how I want my life to be.